That Time When Graduation Was A Year Ago

Yesterday was graduation day for the class of 2014 at Gettysburg. Even before my newsfeed was awash with orange and blue and sentimental statuses, I was feeling nostalgic. Today marks exactly one year since I graduated, and it feels like it was only yesterday, just a world away. How could a year possibly have passed? How could it have not?

I confess that my overwhelming feeling upon realizing that it had been a year since graduation was a sense of disappointment. Shouldn't I have accomplished more a year out of college? I can't say "I just graduated in May" anymore, so shouldn't I have done more? Shouldn't I have made a bunch of friends with people where I live? Shouldn't I have completed things? Shouldn't I miss Gettysburg less? But here I am, living at home, mostly hanging out with my family when I'm not working. I don't have a high powered, exciting job where I am changing the world and/or making lots of money. I haven't fallen in love and I am not substantially closer to being a clinical psychologist or a mom.

And that thinking is so easy to fall into, because I have been trained so well. Make goals. Execute them. Do at least as well as your peers, preferably better. Do great work. I loved the Gettysburg atmosphere, and I thrived in that performance driven, high octane setting (if you consider the level of stress I could sustain for weeks at a time thriving). But the dark side of that is that I can instinctinvely think critically without acting compassionately. My mind twists the truth and throws in some half-truths and little lies until I look at the last year and feel like I have failed.

That is probably stupid and definitely inaccurate. My plan was to move home, find a research position to get the experience I need to get into grad school, and pay off student loans as quickly as possible. I did, in fact, find a research position that I can commute to from home... thanks, God! And its not high powered or a high salary, but someone is paying me to do research, which is exactly what I was looking for. I am paying off my student loans while admittedly mooching some groceries, wifi, and below market rent from my mother. But since I am rather fond of my mother, this is kind of a win-win situation. And why should I feel lame about having out with my family? I love them, and I won't always get to spend time with them like this. My baby cousins (read: every cousin who is younger than me, even if they are 6'2'') will grow up and move away one day. When I go to grad school, I will not be able to take my Mam-maw shopping on Sunday afternoons, and will she be around to take shopping when I am finished grad school? Speaking of school, if I were to hypothetically be either a clinical psychologist or a mom before I finished grad school, that would be absolutely terrifying (in the first scenario) or mildly terrifying and poor planning (in the second scenario). Seeing patients before getting the education/licensing to practice or having a baby while attaining said licensing are so not high on my list of things to do, and thus if I were substantially closer to these things one year out of college, it might actually not be a great sign.

Melissa and this kitten were both at
Focus this year... don't you wish you
were there, too? I know I do.

And yes, I do miss Gettysburg. I wish that I still had shenanigans every Wednesday at 10, that I still lived with 5 of my best friends, and that anytime I wanted to hang out with someone we could just get a meal together because we ate at all the same places. I wish that I had just gotten home from Focus, and that I was energized and sleep deprived and so excited about being on mission with the church. I wish the friends I have here (because I do have some, my heart just believes lies sometimes) knew me as deeply, encouraged and challenged me as frequently, and pointed me to Christ as well as my friends from Gettysburg. But this is what its like to have good friends. You miss them when you haven't seen them for a day, and you miss them when you haven't seen them for months and months. It takes a long time to build new friendships that are as strong.

I think it is okay to miss college, even though it makes me feel a bit like I am doing something wrong. I don't want college to be the best years of my life. But it would be okay if college accounted for some of the best years of my life. I think that is the tension I am feeling as I compare this first year out of college to the four years that came before. Its true that this past year was hard in different ways than before and that it was lacking some things that my heart tells me it wants again in future years. But it was another year of life, and I enjoy having those :) It was filled with blessings and things to be thankful for, and it was not a waste of time.

So here are a few highlights from my first year as a post-bacc:
-Seven of my friends got married, and every wedding was a delight. I loved each individual wedding ceremony, and getting to share in their joy, and also all those built-in reunions.
-For months I got as much sleep as my body actually needed (talk about seasons of life... this one is definitely fleeting). It was glorious. And now I might get up earlier every morning than I have in my life, but at least I don't do homework till at least midnight every night.
-I got a job offer totally out of the blue months after I had submitted an application and pursued other institutes and researchers with no success. Yep, it was totally not my fault that I got this job.

"I am not afraid.
I was born to do this."
-Jeanne d'Arc

-I found a church that I absolutely love. I get to live in a place with a bible-preaching church that loves to worship God with a gospel-centered community who want to grow and become more like Jesus? Is this real life?
-When my brain isn't consumed with exams, papers, and research reports, there is room for creativity to come out and play. I've been playing the piano again and making artwork and creating things. And none of them are masterpieces (although I am quite proud of the sweater and the quilt), but it feels good to create just because I can.
-God has used this time to soften my heart to the idea of adoption, to help me see the value of intervention at every stage for every person, and to understand how attachment (you know, that field of psychology I would be happy spending my whole life in) relates to God's character and redemptive plan. It was so good (and wise, probably) of him to do this when I am exactly where I am now. If He had done this later in life when I wasn't young, broke, and single, I probably would have freaked out about life and thought that He was telling me to do something I didn't want to do. Instead I see little hints of changing desires and and awareness of how much more growing I have to do. And how much more I need Jesus than I realized.
-I've been growing. Slowly. Sometimes it feels agonizingly slow, and I am not content with the pace. But the lessons I am being taught seem to take a lot of time. Perhaps it is the nature of these lessons, perhaps I'm a slow learner. But God is at work in my life, and I am grateful for it.

The View From Seven Months

I have been, admittedly, rather sparse with the life details. Part of that was that there was nothing exciting to tell. Part of that was that there was too much to tell. Although I am a sharer, I like to develop some trust before I spill my guts, and there is no way to do that with the entire interwebs. So rather than a blow-by-blow of life, which would be aptly titled “Four Weddings and A Funeral,” I will give you a current update:

What does seven months out of school look like?

1. It looks like paying student loans. Those pesky things come due six months out of school, and by the grace of God, I can pay mine. This is seriously worth being happy about, and I look forward to owing a little less money each month when I successfully make a payment.

2. It looks like working part time jobs to pay said loans. I am working at a wedding venue, which has prepared me fairly well for this recent wedding season (my friends are odd and mostly got married in the winter instead of the summer). I have been working at Bath & Body Works for the holidays, and something about good-smelling things being perfectly arranged in rows makes it a rather enjoyable place to work. I also have been working for a medical billing company dealing with insurance companies. This has been instructional, and also cemented the fact that I never want to work for an insurance company.

Earlier in life, I wanted to be a cat farmer
...but seriously.

3. It looks like endless (and perseverant! I am an optimist!) job searches. I have a few leads in this area that I am really hoping to hear back from in the next few weeks. Hopefully, someone in the near future will pay me to do science! I’m keeping the dream alive. When things are not going according to plan, it is a good opportunity to re-examine your calling and decide if you’re sure that’s where you are being called. If I didn’t feel led to pursue this whole PhD clinical psych thing, it would be stupid of me not to do something more reasonable. But, after some thought, I am still being called to unreasonableness :)

4. It looks like slow and sometimes faltering efforts to settle here and make friends. I have found it difficult to commit to—and succeed at—the effort of making post-grad friends, but I am not the only one. From friends with set timelines (“My grad program is half over and I’m only here for a year total”) to others who really want to make new friends but find the process slow compared to making friends in college, it seems to be a struggle shared by most of my friends who graduated with me or the year before. Its hard to get lunch with people when you both work different jobs, its hard to get together regularly when you live twenty minutes apart by car instead of three minutes on foot, and its hard to be new in town without an incoming class of people who are in the same boat.  But I did have coffee (figuratively speaking) with a girl this week, and it was delightful to have life chats. Yes, I had life chats this week with someone that I met since graduation. It was magical.

I’m not necessarily telling you to prepare for these things if you will be graduating in 2014, nor do I expect the graduated among you to have had the exact same experience as I am having (although if you are, you and I should definitely have life chats sometime). This is just where I am right now. Sometimes I am content, other times I am not. Sometimes I am happy, other times I am not. Sometimes I am busy, other times I wear my ugly sweater all day and no one is around to judge me. Sometimes I snuggle with cats, other times my cats refuse to snuggle. I am trying to “give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:18)

(This was a snuggle time)

P.S. Also, after reading this blog written by a pretty wise man I know, I decided to read the bible as fast as I can starting January 1^st. I have never read straight through from Genesis to Revelation in order before,  so this should be an adventure. Thus, technically, seven months out of school also looks like Genesis… but hopefully Exodus soon. I’ll let you know.

P.P.S. For those of you who also feel like your attempts to accomplish something are like this little lizard hunter's, here are some cats who didn't make it through 2013 quite the way they planned... 

Celebrating Baby Jesus' Birthday

I compartmentalize both mentally and emotionally like a pro[i]. In many ways, I find this to be helpful, such as when action needs to be taken and I don’t have time to feel all the feels. However, it also has some pitfalls, like when I file something away in the ‘later’ box and forget to take it back out… or when it is Christmas.

There are enough people who talk about the ‘real meaning of Christmas’ that it should be easy to remember what Christmas is all about. And with all of the Christmas movies that my mother forces me to watch that I enjoy watching with my mom, I get frequent reminders of the reason for the season. In fact, Linus tells me several times through the month of December.

And yet, although I am definitely improved in my ability to remember that Christmas is about Christ while also doing the things that are done at this time of year, I simply don’t get excited about Christmas the way I do about Easter. I love Easter, the whole Easter season (you can ask me why, I know just the reason). And while I get excited all through lent, cry on Good Friday, and cheer Easter morning, Christmas feels like the necessary prequel, the sponsor of Easter (“This holiday made possible by…”). I enjoy putting up my crèche and reading the nativity story, but Christmas doesn’t touch my heart quite like Easter does.

But I put my finger on why it does that this year. I have identified the problem (and that always seems to be the first step toward recovery). I have been compartmentalizing Jesus[ii]. I have been celebrating Baby Jesus’ birthday instead of celebrating the King of Kings coming down to earth as the God-man.

In absence of conscious effort, Christmas in my mind is a fairly quaint affair. Sure, it was definitely a bit grittier in real life than in the storybook versions (1. Have you ever smelled a place where animals live? 2. Culturally, Mary was up to nine years younger than me… I can’t imagine anyone trusting me with a baby at that age, much less one who is also the savior of the world. 3. The reigning King is actually a baby killer.) Still, I take for granted that God is doing cool things with the stars, sending angels around to appear to regular people, likely ramping up spiritual warfare against Satan’s attacks, and incarnating himself… and I end up just focusing on a snuggly baby.

Don’t get me wrong. I love babies. Snuggling with them is the best (even better than kittens). It’s awesome that God chose to come as an approachable, snuggle-able little one rather than coming in glory and being terrifying. His coming as a baby and submitting himself to our messy existence definitely reveals an aspect of his character that is awesome and makes me love him. But sometimes, I get stuck on Baby Jesus and I forget about Jesus with tattoos on his leg and eyes like fire in Revelation 19. It makes perfect sense on someone’s 50^th birthday to look at their whole life and the person they have become, not just the story of their birth. That sort of slipped my mind on the celebration of Christ’s 2013^th birthday. Hopefully, I will do better for his 2014^th.

Speaking of cats and Christmas... I think 1:30 and 2:00 might be my favorites,  but then there is every other part, and those might be my favorites, too. 

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[i] For a woman, anyway. To be fair, women and men’s brains are wired a bit differently, and thanks to our thicker corpus callosum, women generally tend to be better at multitasking but not quite as good at compartmentalizing. There are admittedly times when I wish I could put unimportant things away in a box but just can’t. Thanks, brain chemistry.

[ii] This isn’t exactly big news for me. I struggle with compartmentalizing God all the time. I think if I could manage to simultaneously recall and coalesce all of the aspects of God that I (only partially) understand to date, my brain would explode. He’s just so big that if I can keep two or three characteristics in my head at once (powerful enough to create ALL the things, loving father, perfectly just, etc.), I’m making progress.

A Friend, A Bride, A Toast, And A List

Today, assuming that the snow doesn’t get in the way, my lovely friend Melissa will be flying home with her husband(!), Andy, from the Dominican Republic. Before I get distracted by how warm it is in the DR, let me return to my point.

This did not happen at the wedding,
thank goodness/unfortunately

Last Saturday, I had the privilege of giving a toast at their (absolutely beautiful, wonderful, tear inducing, I’m getting distracted again…) wedding.  After working with Melissa at a wedding venue (coincidentally, the same one where her wedding took place) for a number of years and watching a lot of horrendously bad toasts, I knew that I needed to keep things short, which is absolutely not in my nature. I managed to do this by only telling the guests the the top three reasons that Melissa happens to be the best friend a person could have, which was a painfully short summary of a very long list.

I am not going to subject you to the entire list either, but for those of you who know Melissa, those of you who want to know what to look for in a friend (we can do a character study!), or those of who you are otherwise avoiding working/studying, the following is a slightly more complete list of the reasons my friend is the best friend.

10. Melissa is crazy silly and fun. Who needs alcohol to have a ridiculous good time? Not us. Shenanigans have been had by one and all as a result of a certain seester-cousin from ze Banana Republic whose eastern European accent iz preetty good and qvite entertaining. This same person was, in fact, responsible for a certain rabid dog episode at Lincoln Diner, and is rather adept at hiding mini Tabasco sauce bottles. Long storie(s) short, Melissa is a pretty silly girl who keeps us all laughing, and she brightens my day quite a lot.

9. Melissa is extremely responsible.  She thinks ahead and plans for things, then remembers her plans, organizes them, prioritizes them, and executes them. It’s great. When she make plans to do something, you can depend on her to remember whatever you have decided to do and show up at the proper time to do this thing. Whereas I probably get about an 85% at this trait, Melissa gets a 97%. So not only is she a great example to me personally, but the general benefit of having a responsible friend is that you can trust her to take care of important tasks. I know that she will come through for me on the important stuff because she consistently does.

8. Melissa is exceptionally intelligent. However that cliché saying about being friends with people who are more intelligent than you goes, it is true. While Melissa does not make an ideal companion for watching Ace Ventura, she is an ideal companion to have a scintillating conversation about pretty much anything with. She is smart and a creative problem solver, which has been helpful not only in going to Nashville Tennessee four years in a row, but also in getting out of all those life scrapes that kind of happen when you aren’t expecting them. Also, she once let me explain mitochondrial DNA to her (and some of the exciting implications implied in the subject) during a run on the Gettysburg battlefield together, and although I was lightheaded from lack of oxygen by the end of the run, she totally understood mitochondrial DNA. And that is a delightful thing to have in a friend.

7. Melissa is observant and thoughtful. These two words more or less convey her unique ability to notice and remember both important and less important things about people. I love to randomly ask Melissa what color someone’s eyes are for no other reason than the fact that she will be able to tell me. It’s just a detail that she unconsciously stores in her memory when she is talking (and therefore making eye contact) with someone. But her abilities far exceed that example… she reads body language or word choice, preferences, or offhanded comments and then is able to recall these things later. Somehow, this is more than being able to read people (which she can) or having an excellent episodic memory (which she definitely has), but additionally being able to sort through and identify which details are important and worth remembering. I have strong suspicions that this trait is only the tiniest bit trainable and that it is largely a natural gift.

6. Melissa challenges me to grow in areas where I am weak. She also happens to balance me out in many of these areas, a coincidence (or, you know, divine sovereignty) that both makes up for some of my shortcomings and helps me to see them better. She talks to the customer service representative for me, but also makes me talk to customer service representatives myself. But really, she thinks and responds to life differently than I do, which helps me see what I am missing and how I could be responding differently. She knows my weaknesses and will both compensate for them and call me out on them.

5. Melissa lets others speak into her life. A technical, wordy way to say this is that she is open to reproof and correction, and holds many of her opinions with an open hand. In real life, this means that someone (I) can lovingly say, “I think you were wrong,” about something. Rather than immediately becoming defensive, she listens to what they are saying and considers it. This trait is rare (for it takes a delicate blend of humility with lack of insecurity), and is delightful to have in a friend, because it allows for change and growth. Not only does Melissa accept constructive criticism, there have been specific occasions in our friendship where she sought out such feedback out of a desire to grow.

4. Melissa is remarkably wise. This is even better than being intelligent, because it is more than just being right… it is also knowing when to be right. Melissa knows when to speak and when to remain silent, when to correct and when to just encourage, when to be silly and when to take everything seriously. She can discern which truthful thing is the right thing to say in the moment. This means that she gives great advice (with bonus relevant scripture, because she can magically recall it to mind when pertinent) and can handle a situation delicately when needed. Again, I trust her to do the right thing and to help me figure out what the right things is in my life.

3. Melissa is exceedingly generous. She is one of the few people I know who is truly generous with both her time and her possessions. Anyone who has ever lived with her and borrowed all of her clothing (a rather long list of ladies) can attest to this. So can all of the people who have ever gotten a ride from her (this is a much longer list). When my ipod was stolen in Nicaragua 2 ½ years ago and I didn’t know how to function without constantly available music and Mark Driscoll podcasts, Melissa ‘lent’ me her ipod. I still have it. There is a line in the song “Friend Like You” (by Joshua Radin) that says, “If you had three, you’d give me two.” It always reminds me of Melissa because of the way she freely gives what she has.

2. Melissa is unfailingly faithful. I do stupid things. Often. I can be a whiny, overly sarcastic, thoughtless, selfish person. And somehow, she is still my friend. I cannot credit this to any bribing or coercing on my part, and am left with the explanation that Melissa is just loyal and committed to loving the people in her life. When there is conflict, she approaches it so it can be resolved. When there is hurt, she forgives it. Basically, when it would be easier to walk away, she doesn’t. This characteristic results in deepening relationship over time rather than just coasting along, maintaining the status quo, and a security in relationship that leads to freedom to be yourself and take risks.

1. Melissa is daily becoming more like her first love, Jesus. She has many of the wonderful traits that make her who she is because she is actively seeking to grow in her relationship with her savior, and as she does this, she grows more like him. I have seen her grow for 11 years now, and as she does, she becomes more Melissa than ever before, and Melissa becomes more of a joy to be around. She is more life-giving, more thoughtful, more wise, more faithful, more loving than she was when I first met her. This is one of the most wonderful things about being friends with her… it keeps getting better as we go.

I hope that you all have the joy of having a friend in your life as wonderful as my friend. Ultimately she isn’t Jesus, but I am still extremely fond of her :)

P.S. Speaking of friendship and things that aren’t quite as great as Jesus, here are some pictures of cats and the people they love. YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS THEM. The pictures of the elderly people with their cats slay me (although little ones with their cats are great, too). I hope one day to be old and have a snuggly cat.  

Guess What Today Is...

 Today is my Grandmother’s 72^nd birthday. In honor of that, I am going to share some things I am grateful for today that relate to my Mam-maw.

1.     Mam-maw is more pop-culture savvy than my beautiful mother. Thus, when I referenced the hump day camel to her, she laughed with me :)

2.     Both of my grandmothers had children ridiculously young (by today’s standards). Why am I grateful for this? Because I have had the blessing of knowing all of my grandparents and several of my great-grandparents. Mam-maw was a decade younger than my mother was when each had their first child, and as a result, Mam-maw was spry enough to play with me when I was growing up.

3.     Every time I think my Mam-maw is ready to depart from this life, she doesn’t. She has had medical issues since before I was born, and yet, here she is. When she lost her right leg to arterial disease the summer after my freshman year of college, I really thought she wasn’t going to live long. Two year later, she went on a trip to Israel and walked up mountains on her prosthetic leg because she had always wanted to visit the places where Jesus walked. Like a boss. 

4.     She and my Pap are farmers. Not only did I get to run around all over a farm when I was a kid, but do you have any idea how many cats they've had? Their excuse is that the cats keep down the rodents around the barn, but I know that deep down, they just like cats, too. And I have gotten to play with and name so so so many kittens. (Also, they consistently conspire with me to convince Mom to let me bring home kittens. I got two cats this way).

According to the caption under this picture I found, I named the white cat
Precisoca. But I didn't bring cats home until my debating skills became as creative
as my naming skills... Mam-maw and I just played with them at her house.

(gratuitous kitten shot)

5.     There are brave men and women who fight to protect us, and keep fighting when they come home. I am grateful for their sacrifice and courage. (How is this related? Shortly before losing her second leg, Mam-maw confided in me that they had shown her a Wounded Warrior video that showed how the double amputees put on their prostheses, and that she was pretty sure she couldn’t do it. Until she explained it to me, I didn’t realize how much harder it was to put on two prostheses instead of one, or just how much strength was required. Somehow knowing that makes me appreciate our service-men and -women even more.) 

(more gratuitous kitten shots)

6.     Mam-maw is generous, hardworking, and cares for others in her life sacrificially. I have learned from her example to value life, even if the life in question isn’t given much value in our society, like my mentally and physically handicapped aunt. My Mam-maw loves people in her life for who they are, not for what they can do, and I am exceedingly grateful for her example. 

True Confessions: Why I Don’t Like Watching Sportsball

It may not come as a surprise to most people who know me that I am not an avid sportsball* fan. As I am also not very good at playing sportsball, you might think that I don’t like sports at all… but that is actually not true. Given the right environment—typically coercion/persuasion by friends along with teammates who will not get too frustrated by me messing up, striking out, or shying away from the ball I am supposed to be moving toward—I actually enjoy playing sportsball. And yet, I can describe most of the time I spend watching sportsball (like the baseball game I went to with my family last night) as excruciatingly boring.

As I was at the baseball game last night (Why is there so much time in between the players doing anything?? Don’t they already get a break every time they switch which team is batting?)

As much as I love them, I prefer to snuggle
kittens when it is warm...

I realized that I viewed the ballgame much like some game night at my house—we all got together, and I visited with everybody in between occasional breaks when something would happen—except that at a game night I would actually be doing something interesting in between the visiting/quality time. And yet, my Pap loves sports. He actually paid attention to the game the whole time, and he will sit in Ravens stadium in the middle of December to watch a game that literally goes on for hours, which is more time than I would spend in the cold even if I was snuggling multiple kittens.

So what’s my problem? I think it’s mostly that…I just don’t care. In order to enjoy watching sportball, I have to be emotionally invested in the game, and most of the time I am just not emotionally invested. Here is my reasoning:

1)  I love football movies (shocker, I know). But in football movies, you always get to know the players and get caught up in the epic struggle they face and you want them to WIN. Same with pretty much any sports movie I can think of.

2) I like watching rugby… but my exposure to rugby began with Invictus (epic sportball movie for sure) and then continued by watching the world cup in South Africa pretty much only in bars with avid springbok fans, and it seemed that half the time, our team was playing. I wanted them to WIN.

3) I totally like watching games if my friends are playing. I want my friends to win, so I care what happens. Simple.

4) The closest I can get to caring about professional sportsball is when the Ravens are playing. I am a ravens fan because my family are Ravens fans, and when the Ravens win, many people I love are happy (It doesn’t hurt that there is an epic sportsball movie about Michael Ohr, who still plays on the team).

To me, it seems perfectly reasonable to only care about a sportsball game when I am emotionally invested in the players (even if most fans seems to derive motivation elsewhere). But it does beg the question: what areas of life should I care about that I just don’t because I am not emotionally invested... because it doesn’t affect me or the people close to me?

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* Not familiar with sportsball? If it is a team sport and involves something similar to a ball (football, baseball, soccer, etc), it probably falls under the category of sportsball. 

A User’s Guide to Rejoicing With Those Who Rejoice

1: Stop thinking about yourself for a hot second.

2: Think about life from the perspective of some other person.

3: Rejoice with them.

This might seem overly simplistic. It’s not. Rejoicing with others is very simple, even though it might not be very easy. An exciting job. The perfect grad program. A wonderful relationship. When the people around you are getting things that you want but don’t have, it may seem difficult to truly rejoice with them, but I want to encourage you that deep down, its not really that complicated. Mostly, you and I just need empathy.

For me, one of the biggest barriers to rejoicing with others is my own selfishness. Luckily, there is good news*. For one thing, you don’t have to cease thinking about yourself FOREVER and suddenly become some superhuman in order to rejoice with others. If you can manage it for even a little bit, you are well on your way! My problem is that I usually make it to step three and am in the middle of rejoicing when all of a sudden thoughts of myself come crashing back in, and I remember all the reasons why whatever I am rejoicing over in someone else's life makes my life seem sad or negatively affects me. At this point, you can choose to remain focused on yourself, or you can choose to focus on the other person. I’m not suggesting that you choose emotions (if you can control how you feel, please teach me how!) but it is much more doable to choose where you continue to focus. More good news… your emotions come naturally depending on where you are focusing.

Real life example: my best friend recently got engaged! I am so happy for her! Really, it’s super exciting. Now, does her exciting relationship make me feel more single? I don’t understand how it is possible for one to be more single… but yes. ;) Realistically, does her upcoming marriage mean that I won’t be able to spend as much time with her, and that our relationship will change as she makes a promise to be someone else’s best friend? Yeah, and that’s sad, because I love her a lot and it will be hard to share her. So if I only ever look at circumstances from my perspective—how things make me feel, how they affect my life—it might be hard to rejoice sometimes. But I love my friend! And if I choose to look at things from her perspective, I know that this is super awesome, amazing, exciting, and worth rejoicing over!

The trick is to choose whether you WANT to rejoice with someone else in the moment or not. You don't have to be a captive to your emotions. I am not saying that you can’t feel your own emotions… you totally can! The great thing about rejoicing with others even if it’s hard is that you don’t have to do it continuously. In the moment, when you are with that other person, you can rejoice with them in love. There will be another time and place for you to reflect and feel and process, and it will be valuable to work out your own feelings then. But at the moment when you are at step three and your own feelings start to creep in, you can decide that now is not that time, and continue to…

Step 4: repeat steps 1-3**.

P.S. In case you should need proposal ideas...

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* Yes, I completely intended to make that double entendre. There is some good news in the fact that it is not impossible to overcome the barrier of your own selfishness and love those around you. There is better news that in a greater sense, it is impossible for you by yourself to overcome your selfishness... But God sent his son to live the sinless life that you couldn’t and die so that your sins are forgiven, which frees us love like him. And that, my friends, is the gospel, which literally means “good news.”

** To be completely honest, once I have veered off of step three, I usually need to take a stop back at the cross and remind myself that Christ died for my sins (including the selfishness that just got me off track) so that I might be righteous instead of condemned for my failures. And he does that because he loves me, which motivates me to love others, which takes me back to step one condemnation-free and with extra motivation. It’s a more complete cycle :) 

My Epic (Unsuccessful! Discontent!) Adventure

Yesterday, I began “The Great Job Search.” In your mind, I hope this has an epic level that parallels some adventure on the Oregon Trail. I also hope that this particular adventure is not like the Donner Party’s. My goals are to (metaphorically) not get trapped in snowy impassible mountains, run out of supplies, or resort to eating questionably deceased relatives (to be fair, at least some of the Donner party died of natural causes like starvation and sickness). But enough of this morbid talk, on to something uplifting like… oh wait, job searching. 

To be fair, I didn’t actually start job searching yesterday. I had been working on things on and off during the semester until around April, when I decided that I really needed to focus on the research that I was doing and get the work done before I graduated. So I put the job search on hold until three days after graduation. Honestly, this wasn’t too difficult because (1) my research was way more fun and (2) as much fun as research is, I don’t actually want a research job right now. I love research and totally want to be doing it, but my real desire was to go to grad school and do research there. There are advantages and disadvantages to going straight from undergrad to grad school, which I will not list here for the sake of brevity. Regardless, the truth is that I want to be in grad school now, not here at all.

Oh, that feels like some forbidden secret, just out there on the page for all to see. Attention! Christiana does not have her stuff together, and she has not succeeded in all of her endeavors! Yes, that is real life. There are two things that you and I may or may not choose to learn from this:

1: Success. I tend to functionally operate as if success works the same way that sinlessness or a good reputation does. One strike and you are out. In my head, I know that success does not work this way, and that you have to fail many times before to you do something great. However, I often live as if one failure will reveal to the world that I am actually a failure. Not only is this not true from a worldly perspective^{geek footnote 1}but it also assumes a second lie that my worth is determined by what I do and not who I am^{geek footnote 2}. Basically, this mindset is wrong and generally unhelpful no matter what perspective you choose. So, this job search is an (uninvited) opportunity for me to work on functionally acting as if I believe what I know is true: I already have worth, and I am going to grow as I experience challenges and rejection.

Unlike me, my old kitten Magnolia (we called her Maggie) had
obviously learned contentment at an early stage of life.

2: Contentment. I am not exactly sure why God has me at this stage of life. But I have been seeing more and more that it is at least partially to teach me about contentment. If you had asked me right around the time last semester when I was getting rejections from the grad schools I had applied to, I would have told you that I was honestly excited about learning contentment. That was because I was silly and forgot that learning contentment is about as much fun as learning patience. When you ask to learn patience you suddenly find yourself in a million and one situations that naturally make you impatient until you learn how to find patience independently of your situation. Similarly, it’s not that I have suddenly become content (“Oh, look at that girl, life circumstances should have gotten her down but she is just so content!”) but instead find that all of the circumstances that should make me discontent DO make me discontent. Great. So I would now describe myself as not exactly excited but still looking forward to learning this thing that I obviously have not learned yet: contentment.

And with that thought, I am back to the job search.

*Geek Footnote 1. Carol Dweck is a psychologist who has done research in a variety of settings exploring what she has defined "fixed mindset" versus "growth mindset." Essentially, the difference between the two is whether people view personality/core qualities as 'fixed' by nature, or changeable over time. Not only has Dweck demonstrated that learning can change characteristics we would consider to be 'core', but she has demonstrated over and over the benefits of having a growth mindset over a fixed mindset. Her research has tested these ideas in varied environments including the Israeli/Palestinian conflict, aggression in both bullies and victims, prejudice and cross-race relations, and more. For an awesome review, I would suggest her 2012 article "Mindsets and Human Nature: Promoting Change in the Middle East, the Schoolyard, the Racial Divide, and Willpower." (Unfortunately, I can't link you to the full article here... I will have to learn what non-institutionally affiliated people do to access full text articles because this scientist has been incredibly privileged and sheltered for the past 4 years.) 

*Geek Footnote 2. 

“…yet we know that a person is not justified by works of the law but through faith in Jesus Christ, so we also have believed in Christ Jesus, in order to be justified by faith in Christ and not by works of the law, because by works of the law no one will be justified.” (Galatians 2:16) 

 “But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God," (John 1:12)

We are not defined by what we do. In fact, we are not defined by ourselves, but by Christ. Our worth in him makes any worth we could dredge up for ourselves pale in comparison.