True Confessions: I Might Be A Terrible Driver

I fear that there mayyy be something about driving that makes me a terrible driver. 

This realization was totally unexpected. I actually enjoy driving just for the fun of it. I think I am, generally, a calm and alert driver. My driving record is so clean you could eat off it. Mothers can trust their children to my car. But I am beginning to think that I may have a previously unnoticed driving flaw.

I made this discovery while making a phone call on my way home the other day. Yes, I know that talking on the phone isn’t something you should do while driving. I am perfectly acquainted with the studies demonstrating increased distractibility and likelihood of accidents when talking on the phone, as well as the fact that talking on the phone while driving is mildly illegal in Maryland (secondary offense=mildly illegal?). Basically, I know it’s not a good idea. But even as I recognized my unavoidable distractibility, I found myself compensating by hyper-focusing on the road. And it was super fun. I took all the sharp turns easily one-handed, deftly avoided hitting a raccoon crossing the road, kept an eye on the runner on the other side of the road and found so much more joy in my daily drive than I usually did. I felt like a champion.

And therein lies the problem. Driving is so much more fun when it is a challenge.

As I made this realization, data started to fall into place. This explains why I love driving manual transmission cars… it’s just difficult enough that it feels like a challenge. This is why, if I wasn’t such a natural rule-follower or there were no speed limits, I would totally go at maximum speed anytime I drove alone.  This explains why I like driving trucks while pulling ATVs in ridiculously big trailers (well, also because there are going to be ATVs wherever the destination is…). I like driving when it is fully engaging and I have to work to get wherever I am going; on the flip side, I get bored and driving is considerably less pleasant when everything is easy and normal.

I’m not entirely sure why this is the case… if it’s an extrovert thing* or if I am just weird. I’m also not entirely sure what to do about it. I obviously can’t just make driving harder all the time… talking on the phone really is unsafe, if I bought a manual transmission car, driving it would eventually become easy, and listening to CS Lewis or Mark Driscoll while I drive uses a totally different part of the brain (I enjoy listening to both of them, but I don’t think it improves my driving… it just pulls my focus away from the road and eventually makes my brain hurt from exertion). 

The faint glimmer of hope I have is that I don’t have this problem at all when there are other people in the car. For some reason, when other people are with me the goal of driving seems to switch from enjoying the mechanics of driving itself to getting to our destination safely. So perhaps I can retrain myself to prioritize safety all the time (although that sounds soo boring). Or just learn how to ride a motorcycle.

P.S. At least I don't let my cat drive my car. Just sayin'.

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* I am not referring here to the “do you like to be around people?” delineation that most people use for introversion/extraversion categorization, but Eysenck's arousal theory of extraversion. According to this theory, the level of stimuli needed to reach an arousal threshold is higher for extraverts than it is for introverts, which explains their different preferences for activities. While an introvert could find an evening alone reading a book to be perfectly stimulating, this falls below the extrovert’s threshold, who needs to be doing something fun with a big noisy group of people to reach the same level of arousal. Similarly, since the introvert’s threshold is much lower, s/he would likely find the big noisy group’s activities to be over-stimulating, and therefore overwhelming after a short period of time. This also explains differences between introverts and extroverts that aren’t related to being around people. The extrovert may find extreme sports, like sky driving and bungee jumping, to be extremely fun because of the high level of arousal, while an introvert would be entirely over-stimulated and finds the same activities stupid and dangerous. This theory changed how I think about extraversion/introversion and all the weird people in my life :) 

The In-Between Life

Last night, I watched the movie Julie & Julia. Besides making me want to cook and eat everything that has butter in the recipe (isn’t everything better with butter?) it reminded me of how long it had been since I had worked on my blog and posted real updates about my real life. But the thing is, I don’t want to update you about my real life.  I feel like my life is frustrating, inconsequential, and not going as planned. As I consider updating you, I feel quite a bit like Julie did while having lunch with her friends. 

(Except that I love cob salad. And I am not 30.)

Like Julie, I don’t feel particularly keen to tell you about my life. I can give the peppy, chirpy, 5 second sound bite I give people either to convey that I am quite happy with the way life is going or to make my life seem as impressive as possible (and imply that I am succeeding more than I am failing). But it’s more propaganda than news. Talking about my real life causes that squirmy, shame-y feeling.

The truth is, I haven’t found the job I have been looking for. I am past the deadline I set myself, and its time for me to look for more ‘in-between’ jobs to pay the bills and those approaching student loans. I don’t want to give you that update, because I don’t like it one bit. Truthfully, I want to be in grad school, and the research job I need to get me there was already supposed to be my in-between job. I don’t want an in-between-in-between job. So I feel frustrated and edgy, and I’m probably not very nice to the people around me most of the time. It feels as if I am a rough chunk of rock (maybe sandstone?), and whatever layers of fabric I normally have wrapped around to make me look all pretty and cuddly have mostly disappeared, so now anyone who gets close ends up with scrapes. Its not a very pretty picture, is it? Life isn’t going the way I would like, and I am not responding in the way I would like.

So yes, I don’t like telling you about my life when its not going smoothly the way I want towards clear success at an appropriate pace (according to my assessment). However, no one else likes talking about their life when it’s like that, either, so we all just feel alone and isolated when actually we’re not. I have found that when I talk about how things really are and how I really feel, people often encourage me by talking about a time when the same thing happened to them, or they open up and actually tell me about the current struggles in their lives that leave them with feelings similar to mine. This may come as a shock (I feel like it shocks me over and over), but frustration and shame are not uniquely mine. Who knew?

So take heart. Things aren’t amazing and awesome in my life at the moment. My unsuccessful job search leaves me fighting frequent feelings of guilt, shame, and failure. My grandma is really sick—she had to have her second leg amputated a few weeks ago, and her recovery is slow—leaving us (particularly Mom) worried about Mam-maw’s health and care.

Catnip mice. Absolutely hilarious.

Most of my friends are far away and I miss Gettysburg. But there are good things, too. I am knitting a sweater and its going really well. I gave my cats toy mice rolled in catnip yesterday, and it was hilarious. My car has been getting an extra mpg every time I check it, which means my gas is going further (yay!).

Most of life is lived in-between the highs and lows. And that’s where I am. It’s okay to be there.