Father's Day (When Yours Is Not Everything You Dreamed Of)

Father's day is a joyful day for most people, but can be a painful reminder for others. Children whose relationships with their fathers are marred by conflict, hurt, separation, and even death often don't enjoy celebrating Father's Day or watching others celebrate. I know of this from personal experience, and I suspect as well that some fathers may have difficult feelings on this day, as they are reminded of brokenness in their lives and the lives of their children.

Despite the way the Lord has been graciously working in my relationship with my father, I admit that I still don't always handle Father's Day very well, particularly in a church that celebrates fathers on this Sunday with great joy. But I am getting better at it! Two years ago was unexpectedly rough. One of my friends stood in front of our church and read a beautiful letter to her dad honoring him for the blessing he is to her. I, meanwhile, stood in the back of the church and cried, hoping that no one would see me. I didn't want to deal with anyone else noticing or trying to comfort me because I was busy being surprised and confused by myself... after all, my relationship with my dad

at the time was the best that it had been in years. Still, there was a sense of loss in realizing that I wished my father fit the description in that loving letter my friend shared.

So last year, I instituted some rules suggestions I created for myself, and they made a difference. This year, I am sharing them for anyone else who might struggle to deal with Father's Day when your father isn't everything you dreamed of.

See how inclusive this category is? Some people experience deep and serious hurt from the man who was supposed to love and protect them. Many others experience disappointment with their father at some point or another. I don't want to evaluate and compare this pain but rather come alongside and tell you: I have experienced pain, too. And it has made this day difficult for me. I hope some of the things that have helped me might help you, too.

1) Acknowledge and grieve what you have lost, and turn to your heavenly father for comfort. Healing always involves examining the wound, doesn't it? Whether you have a gash in your leg, a traumatic experience, or a person who has wronged you, you have to take a good look to figure out the extent of the injury before treating it. Just as forgiveness requires you to determine the debt owed before you can forgive that debt, I encourage you to identify the cause of your present pain. And what better person to seek comfort for that pain from than our heavenly father? He sees your hurt, and he longs to embrace you. You have a father who wants to comfort you and wipe away your tears with promises of "It's okay, Daddy is here."

2) Dwell on the ways that God is your perfect father. My earthly father is not everything I've hoped he would be. But my heavenly father is and more. In fact, in every way your earthly father lacks, your heavenly father overflows with abundance. He is tender. He is strong. He is kind. He is present. He is gracious. He is good. Above all, he loves you with an everlasting, unfailing, unconditional love. What aspects of your Father God minister to your heart and fill an aching hole you wanted your father to fill? Think of those things.

3) Consider how your experiences might equip you to care for and minister to others. Your sorrows do not have to be only painful. They can also be used, if you choose, to help other people. Maybe someone will open up to you about their life, only to find that you can empathize with them. Maybe you will see someone hurting in the midst of a situation similar to yours, and you will be able to walk with them through it. Maybe you will be a different kind of parent to your own children, and help others to be a different kind of parent. How might God redeem the pain you have felt, so that you can look back at it and say "God used it for good. He was at work in my life"?

4) Recognize that today does not have to be defined by your feelings. (My actual note to myself reads "Recognize that not everything today has to revolve around you".) Particularly if you have already taken time for yourself and your emotions in suggestion 1, I think it is acceptable and appropriate to choose not to dwell on them all day long. For me, Sunday morning of Father's Day offers examples of people I could be thinking about besides myself... look at those little kids who love their daddies! Look at that faithful grandpa who loved his children well and raised them to be parents who love their children well! Look at that first time dad! *Pray for that first time dad! ;) Look at that dad who is raising his teenage boys to be God fearing, women honoring men! Remember that Father's Day is a celebration of fathers everywhere, not just your own father, and that there are fathers around you who make your heart celebrate joyfully even if your feelings about your own father are more complex.

I hope you find these give you peace and help you to choose joy. My relationship with my dad and some of the mess in my heart still needs work, but I am grateful for the way that my Father God is at work both in my life and my heart.