All The Single Ladies

I remember having a conversation a few years ago with a really wise woman I know. We were talking about her experiences as a single lady. At time time, all of my friends had recently-ish started relationships (okay, not all of them... only seven) and I anticipated that many of these friends were soon to become 'my married friends' (I was right). I wanted to know: how did she handle this transition? What did it look like? How did her friendships change?

She gently said many wise and helpful things, and I won't repeat them all now. One that stood out to me was that although I wasn't going to lose my friends once they got married, I would need to acquire some new single friends. Since she has been single for quite a while, she laughingly told me that this was a process that she has had to repeat multiple times as her recently acquired single friends became married friends.

To be honest, I wasn't super keen on this idea. First of all, I was quite attached to the friends that I already had, and I didn't like the idea that I would need any more. Was our relationship really going to change so much that I would need new friends to fill holes my married friends had left? Secondly, in the depths of my often selfish and unreasonable heart, I did not want to make long-term, sustainable plans for being single. My heart has a number of complaints about singleness, and the idea that as my friends got married I would have to make new friends seemed like another point in favor of moving out of this season quickly.

However, I am clearly not in charge of the seasons of my life. That responsibility goes to God, and I can only assume that He is doing a much better job than I would. So, four years after that conversation, what conclusions have I reached with regards to the friendship advice?

Friendships change, and they stay the same. This is true of both my married friends and my single friends. To my relief, my friends who have gotten married are still the same delightful people, they still know my heart, and they still love me. They are still a source of joy and encouragement, even though our friendships have practically changed. However, having single friends is a huge blessing, and in the moments when I need them, I am very grateful for my single friends.

Lady M and Elizabeth are both single, and they
seem to be doing just fine. Of course, they have
a single friend for when they need snuggles.

It's not that my married friends are too busy, too different, or too far removed from the #singlelife. There is just a sweetness in sharing what is unique about the season of life you are currently in with others who are there with you. It's nice to have single friends because:

-You have someone listen to you recount the number of times in 3 days that people have talked to you about your future children, men they have considered setting you up with, and men they anticipate you marrying, so your friend can tell you that you're not crazy or neurotic. Without a friend, I wouldn't know when I am actually being crazy or neurotic.
-You have someone to joke with when another engagement is announced on Facebook because, "surprise, it's happened again ;)" Left to my own devices, I might dwell on others' engagements for longer than is helpful, then feel guilty for dwelling. With a friend, we can have a moment to chuckle, eye-roll when necessary, and then we move on with our days.
-You have someone to sit with at weddings. Because it's true... at least some of the single friends you make are going to quickly turn into married friends, and they might not know where to seat you. Luckily, if you need someone who loves weddings to remind you all of the reasons why this is going to be incredibly fun, I can be that person for you because weddings are my favorite!
-You (sometimes) will have the blessing of a friend who loves the season of life they are in and can open your eyes to the joys you are missing. They can encourage you to rejoice in what is good about life instead of joining you in your pity party. But since they also experience the hardships of being single, they are tender to your struggles. If you are very lucky, they will remind you that it is unfair to compare the joys of someone else's season to the struggles of your own season.

So to my single friends out there, particularly the ones who are about to enjoy their first wedding season full of their own close friends: it's going to be fine. Your friends will still love you once they are married. It may be more difficult to have sleepovers with them and plan things spontaneously, though, so its worth the effort to make some new friends who are also single. Not because you need to, but because you will be grateful for those relationships when you take the time to think back. 

Father's Day (When Yours Is Not Everything You Dreamed Of)

Father's day is a joyful day for most people, but can be a painful reminder for others. Children whose relationships with their fathers are marred by conflict, hurt, separation, and even death often don't enjoy celebrating Father's Day or watching others celebrate. I know of this from personal experience, and I suspect as well that some fathers may have difficult feelings on this day, as they are reminded of brokenness in their lives and the lives of their children.

Despite the way the Lord has been graciously working in my relationship with my father, I admit that I still don't always handle Father's Day very well, particularly in a church that celebrates fathers on this Sunday with great joy. But I am getting better at it! Two years ago was unexpectedly rough. One of my friends stood in front of our church and read a beautiful letter to her dad honoring him for the blessing he is to her. I, meanwhile, stood in the back of the church and cried, hoping that no one would see me. I didn't want to deal with anyone else noticing or trying to comfort me because I was busy being surprised and confused by myself... after all, my relationship with my dad

at the time was the best that it had been in years. Still, there was a sense of loss in realizing that I wished my father fit the description in that loving letter my friend shared.

So last year, I instituted some rules suggestions I created for myself, and they made a difference. This year, I am sharing them for anyone else who might struggle to deal with Father's Day when your father isn't everything you dreamed of.

See how inclusive this category is? Some people experience deep and serious hurt from the man who was supposed to love and protect them. Many others experience disappointment with their father at some point or another. I don't want to evaluate and compare this pain but rather come alongside and tell you: I have experienced pain, too. And it has made this day difficult for me. I hope some of the things that have helped me might help you, too.

1) Acknowledge and grieve what you have lost, and turn to your heavenly father for comfort. Healing always involves examining the wound, doesn't it? Whether you have a gash in your leg, a traumatic experience, or a person who has wronged you, you have to take a good look to figure out the extent of the injury before treating it. Just as forgiveness requires you to determine the debt owed before you can forgive that debt, I encourage you to identify the cause of your present pain. And what better person to seek comfort for that pain from than our heavenly father? He sees your hurt, and he longs to embrace you. You have a father who wants to comfort you and wipe away your tears with promises of "It's okay, Daddy is here."

2) Dwell on the ways that God is your perfect father. My earthly father is not everything I've hoped he would be. But my heavenly father is and more. In fact, in every way your earthly father lacks, your heavenly father overflows with abundance. He is tender. He is strong. He is kind. He is present. He is gracious. He is good. Above all, he loves you with an everlasting, unfailing, unconditional love. What aspects of your Father God minister to your heart and fill an aching hole you wanted your father to fill? Think of those things.

3) Consider how your experiences might equip you to care for and minister to others. Your sorrows do not have to be only painful. They can also be used, if you choose, to help other people. Maybe someone will open up to you about their life, only to find that you can empathize with them. Maybe you will see someone hurting in the midst of a situation similar to yours, and you will be able to walk with them through it. Maybe you will be a different kind of parent to your own children, and help others to be a different kind of parent. How might God redeem the pain you have felt, so that you can look back at it and say "God used it for good. He was at work in my life"?

4) Recognize that today does not have to be defined by your feelings. (My actual note to myself reads "Recognize that not everything today has to revolve around you".) Particularly if you have already taken time for yourself and your emotions in suggestion 1, I think it is acceptable and appropriate to choose not to dwell on them all day long. For me, Sunday morning of Father's Day offers examples of people I could be thinking about besides myself... look at those little kids who love their daddies! Look at that faithful grandpa who loved his children well and raised them to be parents who love their children well! Look at that first time dad! *Pray for that first time dad! ;) Look at that dad who is raising his teenage boys to be God fearing, women honoring men! Remember that Father's Day is a celebration of fathers everywhere, not just your own father, and that there are fathers around you who make your heart celebrate joyfully even if your feelings about your own father are more complex.

I hope you find these give you peace and help you to choose joy. My relationship with my dad and some of the mess in my heart still needs work, but I am grateful for the way that my Father God is at work both in my life and my heart.

A Friend, A Bride, A Toast, And A List

Today, assuming that the snow doesn’t get in the way, my lovely friend Melissa will be flying home with her husband(!), Andy, from the Dominican Republic. Before I get distracted by how warm it is in the DR, let me return to my point.

This did not happen at the wedding,
thank goodness/unfortunately

Last Saturday, I had the privilege of giving a toast at their (absolutely beautiful, wonderful, tear inducing, I’m getting distracted again…) wedding.  After working with Melissa at a wedding venue (coincidentally, the same one where her wedding took place) for a number of years and watching a lot of horrendously bad toasts, I knew that I needed to keep things short, which is absolutely not in my nature. I managed to do this by only telling the guests the the top three reasons that Melissa happens to be the best friend a person could have, which was a painfully short summary of a very long list.

I am not going to subject you to the entire list either, but for those of you who know Melissa, those of you who want to know what to look for in a friend (we can do a character study!), or those of who you are otherwise avoiding working/studying, the following is a slightly more complete list of the reasons my friend is the best friend.

10. Melissa is crazy silly and fun. Who needs alcohol to have a ridiculous good time? Not us. Shenanigans have been had by one and all as a result of a certain seester-cousin from ze Banana Republic whose eastern European accent iz preetty good and qvite entertaining. This same person was, in fact, responsible for a certain rabid dog episode at Lincoln Diner, and is rather adept at hiding mini Tabasco sauce bottles. Long storie(s) short, Melissa is a pretty silly girl who keeps us all laughing, and she brightens my day quite a lot.

9. Melissa is extremely responsible.  She thinks ahead and plans for things, then remembers her plans, organizes them, prioritizes them, and executes them. It’s great. When she make plans to do something, you can depend on her to remember whatever you have decided to do and show up at the proper time to do this thing. Whereas I probably get about an 85% at this trait, Melissa gets a 97%. So not only is she a great example to me personally, but the general benefit of having a responsible friend is that you can trust her to take care of important tasks. I know that she will come through for me on the important stuff because she consistently does.

8. Melissa is exceptionally intelligent. However that cliché saying about being friends with people who are more intelligent than you goes, it is true. While Melissa does not make an ideal companion for watching Ace Ventura, she is an ideal companion to have a scintillating conversation about pretty much anything with. She is smart and a creative problem solver, which has been helpful not only in going to Nashville Tennessee four years in a row, but also in getting out of all those life scrapes that kind of happen when you aren’t expecting them. Also, she once let me explain mitochondrial DNA to her (and some of the exciting implications implied in the subject) during a run on the Gettysburg battlefield together, and although I was lightheaded from lack of oxygen by the end of the run, she totally understood mitochondrial DNA. And that is a delightful thing to have in a friend.

7. Melissa is observant and thoughtful. These two words more or less convey her unique ability to notice and remember both important and less important things about people. I love to randomly ask Melissa what color someone’s eyes are for no other reason than the fact that she will be able to tell me. It’s just a detail that she unconsciously stores in her memory when she is talking (and therefore making eye contact) with someone. But her abilities far exceed that example… she reads body language or word choice, preferences, or offhanded comments and then is able to recall these things later. Somehow, this is more than being able to read people (which she can) or having an excellent episodic memory (which she definitely has), but additionally being able to sort through and identify which details are important and worth remembering. I have strong suspicions that this trait is only the tiniest bit trainable and that it is largely a natural gift.

6. Melissa challenges me to grow in areas where I am weak. She also happens to balance me out in many of these areas, a coincidence (or, you know, divine sovereignty) that both makes up for some of my shortcomings and helps me to see them better. She talks to the customer service representative for me, but also makes me talk to customer service representatives myself. But really, she thinks and responds to life differently than I do, which helps me see what I am missing and how I could be responding differently. She knows my weaknesses and will both compensate for them and call me out on them.

5. Melissa lets others speak into her life. A technical, wordy way to say this is that she is open to reproof and correction, and holds many of her opinions with an open hand. In real life, this means that someone (I) can lovingly say, “I think you were wrong,” about something. Rather than immediately becoming defensive, she listens to what they are saying and considers it. This trait is rare (for it takes a delicate blend of humility with lack of insecurity), and is delightful to have in a friend, because it allows for change and growth. Not only does Melissa accept constructive criticism, there have been specific occasions in our friendship where she sought out such feedback out of a desire to grow.

4. Melissa is remarkably wise. This is even better than being intelligent, because it is more than just being right… it is also knowing when to be right. Melissa knows when to speak and when to remain silent, when to correct and when to just encourage, when to be silly and when to take everything seriously. She can discern which truthful thing is the right thing to say in the moment. This means that she gives great advice (with bonus relevant scripture, because she can magically recall it to mind when pertinent) and can handle a situation delicately when needed. Again, I trust her to do the right thing and to help me figure out what the right things is in my life.

3. Melissa is exceedingly generous. She is one of the few people I know who is truly generous with both her time and her possessions. Anyone who has ever lived with her and borrowed all of her clothing (a rather long list of ladies) can attest to this. So can all of the people who have ever gotten a ride from her (this is a much longer list). When my ipod was stolen in Nicaragua 2 ½ years ago and I didn’t know how to function without constantly available music and Mark Driscoll podcasts, Melissa ‘lent’ me her ipod. I still have it. There is a line in the song “Friend Like You” (by Joshua Radin) that says, “If you had three, you’d give me two.” It always reminds me of Melissa because of the way she freely gives what she has.

2. Melissa is unfailingly faithful. I do stupid things. Often. I can be a whiny, overly sarcastic, thoughtless, selfish person. And somehow, she is still my friend. I cannot credit this to any bribing or coercing on my part, and am left with the explanation that Melissa is just loyal and committed to loving the people in her life. When there is conflict, she approaches it so it can be resolved. When there is hurt, she forgives it. Basically, when it would be easier to walk away, she doesn’t. This characteristic results in deepening relationship over time rather than just coasting along, maintaining the status quo, and a security in relationship that leads to freedom to be yourself and take risks.

1. Melissa is daily becoming more like her first love, Jesus. She has many of the wonderful traits that make her who she is because she is actively seeking to grow in her relationship with her savior, and as she does this, she grows more like him. I have seen her grow for 11 years now, and as she does, she becomes more Melissa than ever before, and Melissa becomes more of a joy to be around. She is more life-giving, more thoughtful, more wise, more faithful, more loving than she was when I first met her. This is one of the most wonderful things about being friends with her… it keeps getting better as we go.

I hope that you all have the joy of having a friend in your life as wonderful as my friend. Ultimately she isn’t Jesus, but I am still extremely fond of her :)

P.S. Speaking of friendship and things that aren’t quite as great as Jesus, here are some pictures of cats and the people they love. YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS THEM. The pictures of the elderly people with their cats slay me (although little ones with their cats are great, too). I hope one day to be old and have a snuggly cat.  

Ready to Mingle? NO.

There are, occasionally, times when I wish that I weren’t single. I am not going to enumerate all of those here, but one such time is during my weekly (or sometimes more frequent) efforts to settle in to my new church[i]. This is not because I feel uncomfortable as a single person at my new church, or that all of the young married couples make me wish for what I don’t have (although there are many cute young couples... some of them with even cuter babies). The main reason is actually that I wish I had a companion and a teammate in all of this 'being the new person' business.

In my mind (in some part that I apparently don’t pay much conscious attention to, since I only just noticed this recently), I feel like it would be easier to reach out and get to know people if I had a base to reach out from instead of feeling adrift in a sea of 300 people I don’t really know yet.  This is true from both (1) an emotional energy perspective as well as (2) a behavioral perspective.

(1) I don’t know about you, but I find it emotionally draining to socialize with a ton of people that I don’t know well. The reverse is true of my close friends; spending time with them is relaxing and rejuvenating. I also find that it’s less draining to socialize and meet new people when I am with someone I am already comfortable with. I suspect that this is partially due to acceptance/approval and having a base of support. When you are meeting people and making new friends, you want them to like you (that piece of genius comes to you thanks to an expensive college education. You're welcome). Thus, when you are around new people, you are monitoring acceptance/rejection cues with more sensitivity, and I believe it makes a difference emotionally to have someone with you who is a solid base of acceptance. It's comforting and refreshing to know there’s already someone in the room who definitely likes you :)

(2) When you are around your friends, you act like yourself. When you are making friends, you want to do this, because if they don’t like who you are when you're comfortable, the friendship isn’t going to go far. However, you don’t act like yourself completely when you first meet people, because you want to make a good impression and, lets face it, deep down you are a weird, quirky, socially awkward person and you don’t want to overwhelm people the first time they meet you ;) I think that having a good friend with you when meeting new people acts as a behavioral buffer... you end up acting more like yourself because you are more comfortable, and people get to know you more easily.

Basically, going in pairs to a place where you are the only new people probably makes life easier.

Need more reasons why two are better than one? Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. And my cats.

So am I here to whine about how I don’t have a partner?  Nope. Been there, done that. I realized this week that I had been subconsciously resentful at God for sending me to church on my own, and then I reasoned out why (see above). And after allowing me my five-minute pity party, God shifted my perspective:

I have loved you with an everlasting love… (Jeremiah 31:3)

…I will never leave you nor forsake you. (Joshua 1:5)

Accept one another then, just as Christ accepted you… (Romans 15:7)

How easily I forget that I already have a base of support.  

Then, God reminded me that he uses seasons of life for a reason, and I realized that it is probably really good for me to learn to be myself around people that don’t know me without the benefit (or perhaps in my case sometimes... crutch?) of having a friend around. That seems like a good skill to learn, even if I find the alternative to be more comfortable. And even in this desire, it's not as if God has never blessed me with companionship. I went to college with my best friend, for goodness' sake, and half of the reason I know why it’s easier being new with a friend is because I can analyze my freshman year and the way we got involved in things together. 

So yes, I am getting involved by myself this time. And I am going to trust God’s timing and that he knows what he is doing with this. I don’t feel particularly more keen to go mingle, but maybe when I do it anyway, I will be a bit more like myself and less like that nice, shy girl that recently started going to Sovereign Grace. 

---

[i] I found one, isn’t that great?!?! I am attending Sovereign Grace Church of Frederick, and I love the people, and the doctrine, and the worship style, and the preaching style, and the pastors, and the vision… basically, I am as happy as my friend Allison’s cat, Lilly, who got ALL the attention and cuddles she wanted when I visited last week.

 

Book Nerds and People Lovers Unite

This post brought to you by: Research I am not being paid to do

Hopefully someday I will tell you about my current unpaid research. But as I can’t do that right now, I wanted to tell you about some exciting research, which is tangentially relevant to my work, and was just published in Science by Kidd and Castano.

We read social cues all the time, pretty much without being deliberate or being taught to do so. Basically, humans have built in tools to help us get along in a social environment (and I think that is super cool, since we happen to live in a social environment). One of the major skills we have is inferring what people are thinking or feeling from their facial expressions. Now, there are a lot of ways that we do this (I’m not even going to start on how much I enjoy the show Lie To Me, which is loosely based on the life and work of psychologist Paul Eckman[i]) but a main source of information is the eyes.

Practicing reading Lilly from her eyes. In case
 you were curious, I scored a 30, so I'm
average. I think Lilly would have done better
than me, but she had trouble with the
trackpad on my laptop ;) 

“Reading the Mind in the Eyes” is a psychological task designed by Simon Baren-Cohen that is used to determine how well an individual can read other people’s emotions. How good are you at this? You can take a modified version of the test here. Some people really struggle with recognizing facial expressions; a marked inability to read facial expressions is common in disorders such as autism[ii], asperger’s, social anxiety disorder, PWS, etc. But even among people who can read facial expressions, there is a range of ability... in the task adaptation above, people with “average” ability fall between 22-30 correct out of 36.

“Yes, this is all very logical,” you are thinking to yourself. “I know some people who are more sensitive to the emotions of others around them than others. It makes sense that some people are better at this reading the eyes thing than others. But what’s the big deal?” 

Well, other than the fact that I think this is intrinsically cool, Kidd and Castano found out that you can manipulate this by reading. In their study, they had participants read literary fiction (think Jane Austen, Mark Twain, etc), popular fiction (think Hunger Games, Harry Potter, etc), serious nonfiction, or nothing for five minutes and then complete several tasks, including Reading the Mind in the Eyes. They found that people who read literary fiction performed better compared to all other groups. Reading for only 5 minutes improved recognition of facial expressions! The researchers suggested this might be because literary fiction, with its rich descriptions and complexity, leaves more to the imagination and causes the reader to make their own assumptions about characters’ emotional states.

Basically, reading well-written books is a good work out for the part of your brain that interprets people in real life. And it never hurts to be better at that. :) 

---

[i] I am going to ramble about Lie to Me a bit, though. It is a very interesting show (which, alas, only ran for three seasons) about a man who is an expert in the science of facial expressions and body language. Not only is the show’s lead charachter, Cal Lightman, based off of the professional and personal life of Dr Eckman, but Eckman actually critiqued each episode on his blog, which I find both fascinating and hilarious.

[ii] There is some interesting speculation about a lack of theory of mind/inability to read other's emotions and an absence of eye contact in people with autism. They haven't established a causal relationship yet, but there are early intervention strategies that involve training kids with autism/aspergers to make eye contact or look at people's faces.