She gently said many wise and helpful things, and I won't repeat them all now. One that stood out to me was that although I wasn't going to lose my friends once they got married, I would need to acquire some new single friends. Since she has been single for quite a while, she laughingly told me that this was a process that she has had to repeat multiple times as her recently acquired single friends became married friends.
To be honest, I wasn't super keen on this idea. First of all, I was quite attached to the friends that I already had, and I didn't like the idea that I would need any more. Was our relationship really going to change so much that I would need new friends to fill holes my married friends had left? Secondly, in the depths of my often selfish and unreasonable heart, I did not want to make long-term, sustainable plans for being single. My heart has a number of complaints about singleness, and the idea that as my friends got married I would have to make new friends seemed like another point in favor of moving out of this season quickly.
However, I am clearly not in charge of the seasons of my life. That responsibility goes to God, and I can only assume that He is doing a much better job than I would. So, four years after that conversation, what conclusions have I reached with regards to the friendship advice?
Friendships change, and they stay the same. This is true of both my married friends and my single friends. To my relief, my friends who have gotten married are still the same delightful people, they still know my heart, and they still love me. They are still a source of joy and encouragement, even though our friendships have practically changed. However, having single friends is a huge blessing, and in the moments when I need them, I am very grateful for my single friends.
It's not that my married friends are too busy, too different, or too far removed from the #singlelife. There is just a sweetness in sharing what is unique about the season of life you are currently in with others who are there with you. It's nice to have single friends because:
-You have someone listen to you recount the number of times in 3 days that people have talked to you about your future children, men they have considered setting you up with, and men they anticipate you marrying, so your friend can tell you that you're not crazy or neurotic. Without a friend, I wouldn't know when I am actually being crazy or neurotic.
-You have someone to joke with when another engagement is announced on Facebook because, "surprise, it's happened again ;)" Left to my own devices, I might dwell on others' engagements for longer than is helpful, then feel guilty for dwelling. With a friend, we can have a moment to chuckle, eye-roll when necessary, and then we move on with our days.
-You have someone to sit with at weddings. Because it's true... at least some of the single friends you make are going to quickly turn into married friends, and they might not know where to seat you. Luckily, if you need someone who loves weddings to remind you all of the reasons why this is going to be incredibly fun, I can be that person for you because weddings are my favorite!
-You (sometimes) will have the blessing of a friend who loves the season of life they are in and can open your eyes to the joys you are missing. They can encourage you to rejoice in what is good about life instead of joining you in your pity party. But since they also experience the hardships of being single, they are tender to your struggles. If you are very lucky, they will remind you that it is unfair to compare the joys of someone else's season to the struggles of your own season.
So to my single friends out there, particularly the ones who are about to enjoy their first wedding season full of their own close friends: it's going to be fine. Your friends will still love you once they are married. It may be more difficult to have sleepovers with them and plan things spontaneously, though, so its worth the effort to make some new friends who are also single. Not because you need to, but because you will be grateful for those relationships when you take the time to think back.
To be honest, I wasn't super keen on this idea. First of all, I was quite attached to the friends that I already had, and I didn't like the idea that I would need any more. Was our relationship really going to change so much that I would need new friends to fill holes my married friends had left? Secondly, in the depths of my often selfish and unreasonable heart, I did not want to make long-term, sustainable plans for being single. My heart has a number of complaints about singleness, and the idea that as my friends got married I would have to make new friends seemed like another point in favor of moving out of this season quickly.
However, I am clearly not in charge of the seasons of my life. That responsibility goes to God, and I can only assume that He is doing a much better job than I would. So, four years after that conversation, what conclusions have I reached with regards to the friendship advice?
Friendships change, and they stay the same. This is true of both my married friends and my single friends. To my relief, my friends who have gotten married are still the same delightful people, they still know my heart, and they still love me. They are still a source of joy and encouragement, even though our friendships have practically changed. However, having single friends is a huge blessing, and in the moments when I need them, I am very grateful for my single friends.
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| Lady M and Elizabeth are both single, and they seem to be doing just fine. Of course, they have a single friend for when they need snuggles. |
-You have someone listen to you recount the number of times in 3 days that people have talked to you about your future children, men they have considered setting you up with, and men they anticipate you marrying, so your friend can tell you that you're not crazy or neurotic. Without a friend, I wouldn't know when I am actually being crazy or neurotic.
-You have someone to joke with when another engagement is announced on Facebook because, "surprise, it's happened again ;)" Left to my own devices, I might dwell on others' engagements for longer than is helpful, then feel guilty for dwelling. With a friend, we can have a moment to chuckle, eye-roll when necessary, and then we move on with our days.
-You have someone to sit with at weddings. Because it's true... at least some of the single friends you make are going to quickly turn into married friends, and they might not know where to seat you. Luckily, if you need someone who loves weddings to remind you all of the reasons why this is going to be incredibly fun, I can be that person for you because weddings are my favorite!
-You (sometimes) will have the blessing of a friend who loves the season of life they are in and can open your eyes to the joys you are missing. They can encourage you to rejoice in what is good about life instead of joining you in your pity party. But since they also experience the hardships of being single, they are tender to your struggles. If you are very lucky, they will remind you that it is unfair to compare the joys of someone else's season to the struggles of your own season.
So to my single friends out there, particularly the ones who are about to enjoy their first wedding season full of their own close friends: it's going to be fine. Your friends will still love you once they are married. It may be more difficult to have sleepovers with them and plan things spontaneously, though, so its worth the effort to make some new friends who are also single. Not because you need to, but because you will be grateful for those relationships when you take the time to think back.
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