A Friend, A Bride, A Toast, And A List

Today, assuming that the snow doesn’t get in the way, my lovely friend Melissa will be flying home with her husband(!), Andy, from the Dominican Republic. Before I get distracted by how warm it is in the DR, let me return to my point.

This did not happen at the wedding,
thank goodness/unfortunately

Last Saturday, I had the privilege of giving a toast at their (absolutely beautiful, wonderful, tear inducing, I’m getting distracted again…) wedding.  After working with Melissa at a wedding venue (coincidentally, the same one where her wedding took place) for a number of years and watching a lot of horrendously bad toasts, I knew that I needed to keep things short, which is absolutely not in my nature. I managed to do this by only telling the guests the the top three reasons that Melissa happens to be the best friend a person could have, which was a painfully short summary of a very long list.

I am not going to subject you to the entire list either, but for those of you who know Melissa, those of you who want to know what to look for in a friend (we can do a character study!), or those of who you are otherwise avoiding working/studying, the following is a slightly more complete list of the reasons my friend is the best friend.

10. Melissa is crazy silly and fun. Who needs alcohol to have a ridiculous good time? Not us. Shenanigans have been had by one and all as a result of a certain seester-cousin from ze Banana Republic whose eastern European accent iz preetty good and qvite entertaining. This same person was, in fact, responsible for a certain rabid dog episode at Lincoln Diner, and is rather adept at hiding mini Tabasco sauce bottles. Long storie(s) short, Melissa is a pretty silly girl who keeps us all laughing, and she brightens my day quite a lot.

9. Melissa is extremely responsible.  She thinks ahead and plans for things, then remembers her plans, organizes them, prioritizes them, and executes them. It’s great. When she make plans to do something, you can depend on her to remember whatever you have decided to do and show up at the proper time to do this thing. Whereas I probably get about an 85% at this trait, Melissa gets a 97%. So not only is she a great example to me personally, but the general benefit of having a responsible friend is that you can trust her to take care of important tasks. I know that she will come through for me on the important stuff because she consistently does.

8. Melissa is exceptionally intelligent. However that cliché saying about being friends with people who are more intelligent than you goes, it is true. While Melissa does not make an ideal companion for watching Ace Ventura, she is an ideal companion to have a scintillating conversation about pretty much anything with. She is smart and a creative problem solver, which has been helpful not only in going to Nashville Tennessee four years in a row, but also in getting out of all those life scrapes that kind of happen when you aren’t expecting them. Also, she once let me explain mitochondrial DNA to her (and some of the exciting implications implied in the subject) during a run on the Gettysburg battlefield together, and although I was lightheaded from lack of oxygen by the end of the run, she totally understood mitochondrial DNA. And that is a delightful thing to have in a friend.

7. Melissa is observant and thoughtful. These two words more or less convey her unique ability to notice and remember both important and less important things about people. I love to randomly ask Melissa what color someone’s eyes are for no other reason than the fact that she will be able to tell me. It’s just a detail that she unconsciously stores in her memory when she is talking (and therefore making eye contact) with someone. But her abilities far exceed that example… she reads body language or word choice, preferences, or offhanded comments and then is able to recall these things later. Somehow, this is more than being able to read people (which she can) or having an excellent episodic memory (which she definitely has), but additionally being able to sort through and identify which details are important and worth remembering. I have strong suspicions that this trait is only the tiniest bit trainable and that it is largely a natural gift.

6. Melissa challenges me to grow in areas where I am weak. She also happens to balance me out in many of these areas, a coincidence (or, you know, divine sovereignty) that both makes up for some of my shortcomings and helps me to see them better. She talks to the customer service representative for me, but also makes me talk to customer service representatives myself. But really, she thinks and responds to life differently than I do, which helps me see what I am missing and how I could be responding differently. She knows my weaknesses and will both compensate for them and call me out on them.

5. Melissa lets others speak into her life. A technical, wordy way to say this is that she is open to reproof and correction, and holds many of her opinions with an open hand. In real life, this means that someone (I) can lovingly say, “I think you were wrong,” about something. Rather than immediately becoming defensive, she listens to what they are saying and considers it. This trait is rare (for it takes a delicate blend of humility with lack of insecurity), and is delightful to have in a friend, because it allows for change and growth. Not only does Melissa accept constructive criticism, there have been specific occasions in our friendship where she sought out such feedback out of a desire to grow.

4. Melissa is remarkably wise. This is even better than being intelligent, because it is more than just being right… it is also knowing when to be right. Melissa knows when to speak and when to remain silent, when to correct and when to just encourage, when to be silly and when to take everything seriously. She can discern which truthful thing is the right thing to say in the moment. This means that she gives great advice (with bonus relevant scripture, because she can magically recall it to mind when pertinent) and can handle a situation delicately when needed. Again, I trust her to do the right thing and to help me figure out what the right things is in my life.

3. Melissa is exceedingly generous. She is one of the few people I know who is truly generous with both her time and her possessions. Anyone who has ever lived with her and borrowed all of her clothing (a rather long list of ladies) can attest to this. So can all of the people who have ever gotten a ride from her (this is a much longer list). When my ipod was stolen in Nicaragua 2 ½ years ago and I didn’t know how to function without constantly available music and Mark Driscoll podcasts, Melissa ‘lent’ me her ipod. I still have it. There is a line in the song “Friend Like You” (by Joshua Radin) that says, “If you had three, you’d give me two.” It always reminds me of Melissa because of the way she freely gives what she has.

2. Melissa is unfailingly faithful. I do stupid things. Often. I can be a whiny, overly sarcastic, thoughtless, selfish person. And somehow, she is still my friend. I cannot credit this to any bribing or coercing on my part, and am left with the explanation that Melissa is just loyal and committed to loving the people in her life. When there is conflict, she approaches it so it can be resolved. When there is hurt, she forgives it. Basically, when it would be easier to walk away, she doesn’t. This characteristic results in deepening relationship over time rather than just coasting along, maintaining the status quo, and a security in relationship that leads to freedom to be yourself and take risks.

1. Melissa is daily becoming more like her first love, Jesus. She has many of the wonderful traits that make her who she is because she is actively seeking to grow in her relationship with her savior, and as she does this, she grows more like him. I have seen her grow for 11 years now, and as she does, she becomes more Melissa than ever before, and Melissa becomes more of a joy to be around. She is more life-giving, more thoughtful, more wise, more faithful, more loving than she was when I first met her. This is one of the most wonderful things about being friends with her… it keeps getting better as we go.

I hope that you all have the joy of having a friend in your life as wonderful as my friend. Ultimately she isn’t Jesus, but I am still extremely fond of her :)

P.S. Speaking of friendship and things that aren’t quite as great as Jesus, here are some pictures of cats and the people they love. YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS THEM. The pictures of the elderly people with their cats slay me (although little ones with their cats are great, too). I hope one day to be old and have a snuggly cat.