Radio Silence

When things are hard, I don't write about them. It doesn't matter if these are messages to friends, journal entries, or blog posts for anyone to see. I just stop writing.

The result is that there are months and whole years of my life that I have no written record of. Not only is that frustrating because of the good things that happened during those times that I wish I could remember, but also because I don't remember the struggles well anymore either. Looking back, I wish that I had fought through it and written something down so I could go back later and understand how I was feeling once I wasn't in that place anymore. Instead, all I have are angst-y teenage playlists to deduce what I was going though.

Alas, I have pretty much done it again. Things have been hard and I have disappeared. Part of me is totally fine with this because the internet is not my diary, but I also dislike the tendency to whitewash our social media presence. It feels vaguely dishonest. So without further ado...

I was so looking forward to the day I could announce to you all where I was going to grad school and set a date for the finale of the postbac blog. But that isn't going to happen this year because, despite my best efforts, I didn't get a grad school offer.

Honestly, it's kind of devastating. I thought I would be over it by now but I'm not. I'm still disappointed, even though I am grateful to have a job and mentors who support me and remind me that "a one year setback for a PhD isn't that big of a deal". I'm not excited about basically repeating this past year of my life when I was so looking forward to moving on to the next step, but that's where I am.

I seriously considered calling it a wrap here, because I haven't been inclined to blog and I'm not super excited right now about still being a postbac. But then someone blogged vulnerably about all the stuff they had been through in the last year and I was encouraged by it. And then another person wrote about good things they are learning, and I was excited about it. And then someone else mused insightfully about something they cared about, and it made me think. I'm grateful when people let me see inside their minds and share their lives; it is one of the ways that I feel connected to others in the cyber-world where we spend so much time. All that to say, the catblog continues.

Also, I still have adorable cats, obviously

So here I am! Still in Frederick, still loving Jesus, and still passionate about clinical psych. There are good moments mixed in with the hard, as always, and every once and awhile, I get tiny glimpses that this season I don't want to be in might turn out to be a sweet time. Here's hoping that there is truth in that, and someday I may look back and be grateful for the current chapter.

Summer Doesn't Come Quickly

I need some sunshine in my life desperately. I can feel it building up, the weight of winter bearing down on me. Tuesday I got to experience sunshine for more than 10 minutes! The last time that happened on a week day was probably... three weeks ago? Don't get me wrong, it was glorious, and I was VERY happy to be shoveling snow surrounded by natural light when I should have been at work. I just need more light than this. I am craving bright colors like other people crave their favorite food. Basically, I am not made for winter.

"Oh, the ennui. How will we survive?"          -Proverb

I could go on with the complaints: I don't want to eat, I can't seem to drink enough water, I'm tired and cold all the time, I can't seem to get excited about anything, don't get me started on my hair... but that stuff isn't helpful. I don't need to convince you that winter is dreadful and I can't wait for spring.

A smart woman making a metaphor once said that "summer doesn't come quickly," and the literal truth of that stood out to me. Spring will come. It always does. The days will get longer and green growing things will poke out of the ground and then flowers will come and everything I'm dreaming of will be a reality. But this is going to take some time for that to happen, and I can't just hibernate until it does.

So how do you make winter bearable? What can you do to remind yourself that life is worth living during all four seasons, even if this one is dark and cold? Here are a few things I am using to get through the winter:

1. Music. Listening to it, singing it... both are so helpful. Listening to the right music gives me energy or improves my mood. Other times, I just cocoon happily in my dark car on the way to/from work, but at least it keeps me awake. I love getting together with friends on a dark winter night, having a nice glass of wine, and improv-ing our way through whatever Broadway musicals/Celtic music/ worship songs/bad pop we have on hand.

2. Friends. Related to my first point, friends make life better. Go on an adventure with them, plan an adventure, at least hang out around them. Some people like to be around lots of people, others like just a buddy or two, and some (like me) are happiest in small groups. I confess that when I am low on energy, I don't want to make plans and spend time with people... but if I go too long without being with people, it really drains my energy. This self-perpetuating cycle is the worst and so I try to force myself out of it (with mixed success depending on the day).

3. Bright Colors. I get as much of these as possible from artwork, photographs, screensavers, desktop images, and even from clothes. If I have to endure coat-wearing temperatures, that coat will be red. My scarves will be vibrant. My cardigan will be fuchsia (as long as you can't see it and the red coat at the same time). Right now, I am feeling a strong desire for more floral print in my life, at least until actual flowers come back. Oh, and never underestimate the power of strawberries in the dead of winter. If I can find ripe ones, I love to bring strawberries as a snack when people get together.

4. Winter dresses. They have long sleeves, they are winter colors, they look great with leggings and boots. Now is the time to rock them, and somehow this brings me joy despite the fact that they are not really warm (compared to actual winter clothes). The long sleeves are mostly just for show, but they do prove that some pretty things exist uniquely in the winter. I would tentatively add boots, scarves, and sweaters to this point as well, except that I personally get enough wear out of these in the fall that by winter it isn't exciting anymore. Dresses though... they still get me out of my warm bed on Sunday mornings.

5. Cat Snuggles. I can't say that these make me want to get up and go (quite the opposite, actually), but they certainly make me happier. And since Elizabeth doesn't like the cold either, she uses me for body heat in the winter and I am perfectly fine with that.

I promise I was about to get up off the couch until
Lizzy decided to foil my plans.

6. Winter sports AKA books and crafts ;) I used to LOVE skiing, but my knee and my budget don't allow for it anymore. I currently get much more enjoyment out of reading, knitting, quilting, and all those crafts that are the most fun in your warm cozy house, preferably near a fireplace. At the moment, I am giving Sense & Sensibility another shot, reading a psychology textbook about attachment, re-reading Disciplines of Grace (I swear I'm going to finish it this time) and finishing a scrapbook that should have been completed years ago. Besides, of course, knitting ALL the things, as is appropriate.

7. Hypervigilance about daylight. Starting on Dec 21st, the days are getting longer. Only by minuscule amounts, but if you are motivated enough to pay attention, it is noticeable. Since I am (unfortunately, since it's not really adaptive) already hypervigilant about the days getting shorter in the fall, the least my non-superpower can do for me is pay attention through the rest of the winter as sunrise comes earlier and sunset comes later. Look, there is hope! Spring is coming.

I'm sure this is incomplete, but it's long enough. What did I miss here? What gets you through the winter? I'm quite interested in your thoughts, especially if they will make survival till spring a little more pleasant.

Sweetums doesn't care at all, but if he did, his suggestion would be to grow
more fur for the winter. He's got 99 problems but the cold ain't one.

Occasionally, I Get Excited About My Career Choice

Often, my job seems pretty far away from what I want to be doing some day. And that's fine, because it is just close enough to get me where I need to be in the next few years. But without daily reminders about how totally awesome psychology is (clinical psychology, actually, since of course if I look anywhere there are daily reminders about how awesome general psychology is) I can lose sight of where I eventually want to be and why I want to be there.

Luckily, there are professional conferences to cure that! I was able, through my work with a professor at Gettysburg, to travel to the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies convention in Philly in November to present a poster on our research of Borderline Personality Disorder. Now, I don't want to do Borderline research permanently, and none of the rock stars on my dream list of research mentors were going to be attending, so it wasn't the most important professional opportunity ever. It was, however, incredibly fun to get to attend so many fascinating symposiums just because I wanted to. I think I bombarded everyone who came in contact with me for the following week with information about suicide safety planning in veterans, gender differences in emotional disorders, seasonal affect disorder, etc... so I won't do that again here. 

Why has no one suggested cat therapy
for SAD? Cuddling cats seems like a
logical treatment to me.

I do want to share my favorite moment from the conference. It was a perfect blend of nerding out about science and being inspired by what clinical psychology has the potential to be:

A man at the SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) symposium on Sunday morning at 8:45am identified himself as a clinician, and at the end of the research presentations, he asked why visor treatment isn't considered the gold standard for SAD treatment, given his experience that his patients are much more willing to use the visor treatment rather than light-box treatment. So Michael Young, the developer of the dual vulnerability model of SAD (he was there!) responded from the audience (because he wasn't presenting that day) that it's because the visor treatment hasn't been shown to be effective in clinical studies. The clinician immediately responded with clarifying questions about whether that has to do with adherence (apparently a problem with light box therapy is that people stop using it) or if, given participants who are adhering to either type of treatment, the visor treatment is ineffective. Dr Young replied that although theoretically the visor treatment should work great, studies aren't finding efficacy. They continued discussing distance measurements, why this treatment should work, the data that isn't backing it up, and the clinician looked thoughtful.

Meanwhile, inside, I was shouting for joy at the idea of a clinician getting up early on a Sunday morning to listen to research presentations and ask good questions related to what is best for the patients he is treating. It was so exciting seeing a clinician engaging with a researcher and really going out of his way to understand the current research that is relevant for his clinical practice. If only every practicing psychologist were so invested in evidence-based treatments and best approach to care for their clients!

Sometimes it's nice to remember that I get really excited about clinical psychology and research. The field has so much potential to positively impact people (and to keep my attention for decades... there's too much left to learn to ever get bored). So after another day of seeing the sun for less than five minutes and driving for more than three hours, I can curl up happily with a textbook on attachment that I got for Christmas and try to figure out who I should convince to admit me to their program :)

  

In case you were wondering, this gentleman is Sweetums (what other name could he possibly have?), he was my friend Katy's housemate for a period of time, and yes, I have more pictures of him so brace yourselves because it is going to be awesome. Also, he does have eyes but just so much fur... I promise you can see them in the future.

Blog-iomics and Life Updates

Blogging is a tricky mix of "this is my diary" and "this is NOT my diary." Too many opinions with not enough real life gets preachy and boring. Ain't nobody got time for that. On the other hand, if write a stream of consciousness as it happens, you are going to (1) be overwhelmed and confused (that stuff is hard to follow) and (2) realize how screwed up I am.

It's not that I don't expect to confuse you occasionally... and if you are perceptive (or even can read) you should already know that I have issues. I would just prefer not to terrify you with too much of either one.

So I have drafts and drafts of things that I want to tell you. However, packaging these to neaten them up without making them into a lecture has bottle-necked things recently. And it's true, I have also been very low energy. Or you could just say I'm bad at blogging.

But I love reading blogs. And I was thinking about the blogs I love, realizing what a blessing my favorites are and how much these women and men sacrifice to write them... they all lead fascinating/inspiring/sacrificial/sometimes mundane/sometimes difficult lives, and they take the time to honestly write it down. How kind of them! I appreciate it so much!

My life is not so fascinating, inspiring, etc... it's often not even so difficult (although the mundane I can related to). I'm not like the people whose blogs I love the most, but I want to be more like them. So I'll just try to be honest (maybe even consistent?!?) and hopefully along the way you will see God at work. I'll tell you the things that God is stirring my heart over and maybe they will (or maybe they won't) move your heart. This seems like a terrifying risk to take but I know that rationally, it's not possible to be passionate about ALL the things all at once so it's okay if you don't care as much as I do. I'm just going to keep talking (or typing) as I stumble through life and hope that it's not a waste.

So with that resolve, here are some quick life updates and thoughts. Some of them have their own posts sitting as a messy draft that I may or may not stick cat pictures in and post at some point:

-My job is going well. That is to say, I am enjoying it today and if I don't enjoy it tomorrow, I will still be glad that I have it. The research itself waxes and wanes, so some days are more motivating than others. Also, my personality is definitely not suited to working alone with samples all day, but we probably knew that already. I have been getting some cool opportunities here, and I am starting my own project on PTSD in a military cohort soon, so that's exciting (and a bit concerning, because miRNA? that stuff is way more complicated than I was thinking...)

-I've been fatigued since October for no good reason, but it has definitely gotten better between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's possible that I have had a holiday season reprieve and this fatigue will resume, but I am hoping what I'm feeling now is because I was sick and I'm fighting off all the bugs I was exposed to on Christmas. For the record, I don't recommend donating blood on a whim the day before Christmas Eve if your blood pressure and iron are lower than usual, and then skipping dinner afterwards and not drinking enough (in my defense, I would have eaten if I hadn't gotten stuck in traffic and needed to go straight from work to rehearsal). We can add this to the list of dumb things Christiana has done that you should not do. In retrospect, I think you should probably not give blood right before Christmas anyway because of aforementioned exposure to sick people that will likely be combined with lack of sleep on Christmas eve. Personally, I will probably just not give blood in the winter... but that's because I an unreasonable about the cold.

-Christmas was lovely. I've been sick more or less since the 23rd, but Christmas was still a lovely day. My Pap was way happier than I anticipated based on Thanksgiving, Mom and I didn't set our house on fire (the shed, unfortunately, didn't fare so well but technically Mom and I didn't set that on fire either), and I got to see most of my family (although some of my cousins I wish I had more time with). Since for a while I didn't really enjoy any holidays, it's nice that seeing family can be pleasant, and it was this year :)

-Church is decent. Actually, church is good, but I'm feeling like I'm in a dry season spiritually, so I'm not enjoying church like I usually do. Or reading my bible. Or praying. Or singing. Christmas was still good, because you don't have to feel totally awesome about a true thing for that thing to still be totally awesome. Basically, I'm holding onto intellectual faith, force-feeding myself the word (excellent advice from a wise friend), and trusting that the emotions will be rekindled in my heart. It's reminded me recently of how God's love radiates like light and heat... I want that warmth but I don't create it myself. It comes from Him, just like spiritual life and growth come from Him. More on that another time...

-The cats are happy. They very much enjoyed the wadded balls of wrapping paper on Christmas morning, and at least one of them stole bows off of packages before they were unwrapped. They love the Christmas tree, but they don't actually hurt it, they just sit under it contentedly and Lady M occasionally tries to eat a jingle bell (never successfully). This week I used a hammer to put together some furniture (my wonderful mother got me a book shelf! And after putting all of the stray books on it, there is still room for more books!) and it took over an hour of both cats rolling all over and snuggling with the hammer for me to realize that I keep it in the same drawer as the cat nip. An accidental Christmas present for the kitties.

Every bow is Lady Margaret's bow

Turning Off Autopilot

The other day, I was driving on a highway that I take all the time. And I don’t want you to judge me for my inattentiveness, but I’ll tell you straight up: it was 70-E. Now, there is a part of 70 east- and west-bound that kind of intersects part of Frederick near Rt 85 (you should be shocked at my unusual use of proper road names), and the speed limit decreases from 65 mph to 55 mph. Actually, let me accurate: decreased. Used to decrease. I absolutely promise you that when I first got my license, the speed limit decreased to 55 as you entered Frederick and then increased again on the other side. But the other day, I was driving on that stretch of road, like I do ALL THE TIME, and I saw an odd sign that said “Speed Limit: 65”. And I was confused. I know the speed limit is 55 right here, because I know where it changes back to 65. But there the sign stood.

And then I was more confused. I know where the speed limit changes to 55 on 70-W as I drive into Frederick. I navigate by landmark, so seriously, I remember where the speed limit changes. It's by the school buses on the hill before you get to the first exit for Frederick. Only, the next time I was driving that way, I looked for the sign, and it wasn’t there. I did find one a little later that said “Speed Limit: 65.” What madness is happening here?? Do I live in an alternate reality??

I came up with a reasonable hypothesis, which is this: they were doing construction on that part of 70 for ages (I mean, literally years) while they were building the Rt 85 overpass that connects downtown to the other part of town. And when they were done, 70 was absolutely beautiful and no longer narrowed to two lanes through that stretch, but remained three lanes across with this weave lane that I absolutely love (I know it’s weird to feel that strongly about a weave lane, but if you had to drive past there before, you would love it too). So there isn't really a reason to slow down anymore, and my guess is that when they finished construction, they changed the speed limit.

But they finished construction years ago. Not recently. Definitely before I graduated last year. How long have I been decreasing my speed unnecessarily? Its straight up embarrassing. Not the least of which because I do NOT like it when people drive below the speed limit on the highway. I am an unobservant, unknowing speed hypocrite.

Sometimes, it's hard to see what's right in front of you

But isn’t this how life goes? You settle in to the routine, stop paying attention, and one day you realize that you have been slowing down when you didn’t need to anymore. Continuing to be childish in one particular area of your life when in most other instances, you demonstrate the maturity that you have gained in that respect. Continuing to deal with conflict in the same way you always have with someone, even though you have learned better ways of handling things with other people. Continuing to seek comfort from one bad habit, even though you have stopped going to most of your old comfort dead-ends. I know I can settle into a routine and let ages go by before I reassess whether this is the best way to handle life. Often, it takes a dumb mistake like missing a literal sign to remind myself to turn off the metaphorical autopilot and look at life with fresh eyes again.

P.S. I attribute the lack of cat pictures to the fact that Lady M and Elizabeth will never get in my car willingly. But to make up for it, here is a reminder that other people do dumb things sometimes too, including playing their cats as instruments.

When You Need A Vacation From Your Vacation

I just came home from a lovely trip to the beach, and I am totally worn out. Why are vacations so much work? In my mind, I was going to spend three days at the beach with some relatives that I both love and genuinely like... my plans involved the ocean, my book, my ipod, a ridiculously large hat, and very little else. It was supposed to be so restful! And really, I had a great time. The sun, the water, the company.

But sometimes my younger cousins make choices that I think are harmful, and what do I do about it? And sometimes life hurts my older cousins, and what do I say about it? And sometimes I get the sense that I don't quite belong, don't quite fit into my family the way I want to.

I meant to love people, to care for them emotionally, but did I? I meant to have deep, meaningful conversations with people, but things seemed to stay pretty surface level. I meant to relax in God's word while I had all the time I wanted, but time flew by.

Maybe your vacations don't involve people wondering what's wrong with you (Why you are still single? Don't you like boys?) but instead have difficulty with in-laws, conflicts between siblings, or conspicuous absences. Perhaps

Life so hard. I so tired.

you get overwhelmed by the constant stream of people or are tired of dealing with some of them by the time you head home. Sometimes vacations are just tiring.

When I woke up Sunday morning after sleeping in my own bed again (and not in a room with two 12-year old boys, yessss) I was still feeling weary, but I knew that I had to get up and go to church. Even though I mostly wanted to sleep and not have to interact with a single person (sorry every person I saw in church this week, it wasn't you), I needed to go worship and hear the word.

Rest is something that I so often want to create for myself in my situation, but more and more that kind of rest feels like a letdown. It's a counterfeit to the real rest that can only be found in God. Not that I am putting down naps, because REM sleep is seriously helpful for your brain, but meeting with the church to seek God together gave me more rest for my soul than all the naps, relaxing in the hot tub, and floating in the ocean did. I want to look to my vacation for rest, but God is the one who really sustains me (Psalm 3:5), gives me rest when my body is tired (Psalm 127:2) gives me hope for my heart when I can't fix my family (Job 11:18) and gives me peace for my mind when I fail to love people perfectly (Psalm 4:8). So instead of trying to get something from your vacation that it can't really give you, just enjoy vacation for what it is: a break from work and daily life during which you get to go someplace new and do fun things with other people.

P.S. While the beach is a lovely vacation for me, there are much better vacation spots for cats. Although my kitties haven't been to all these places, I would guess that their favorite is inside my suitcase. On top of the lid, on top of my clean clothes, really any spot is great.

Springtime And The Feels

There are people in my life who I would describe as “intense feelers.” While my typical feelings range on a scale between 30 to 70 (assuming that 0 is the most negative and 100 is the most positive you can feel), they tend to live much of life in the 0-30 and 70-100 zones where I only venture on occasion. And while I love these people, I struggle to connect with them sometimes because I don’t understand them[i]. I believe it’s difficult for me to empathize with them because it’s not only my reactions to a situation that are different, but my overall experience of the situation.

Don’t get me wrong. I am a feeler. At least, according to the Myers-Briggs, (which I have decidedly mixed feelings about that I won’t rant about expound upon right now[ii]) I fall substantially on the feeling side. I have to assume, though, that the thinking and feeling parts of my brain get along decently well, because I seem to do both of them concurrently most of the time. So in circumstances that cause elation or great distress in my intensely feeling friends, I can’t always relate to how they got there emotionally. If I was in their situation and started feeling that way, the rational side of my brain would give me a good mental shake and say, “You are being unreasonable. Stop now.”

"I just want to looooove you..."

It would obviously not be loving to actually say that to people when they are experiencing the strongest of feels. Even in cases where I may need to gently rebuke a friend for how they are responding to a situation, I don’t think an emotional response is the same as a behavioral response. What you do with the fear, anger, elation, etc is what is right or wrong, not how strongly you feel those emotions. (I am reminded of Psalm 4:4, where it says, “In your anger, do not sin.”) So I am right back where I started: my friends who are more emotional than I am are not doing anything wrong—the same goes for people who are less emotional that I am—but I have difficulty relating and caring for them sometimes because life affects me differently.

I don’t have the answers for how to care for them better, so if you were looking for some insight there, sorry to disappoint. I'm guessing that growing in love and humility would help, and if you have any practical tips, be sure to let me know. However, I feel as if the advent of springtime has given me an opportunity to empathize in a new way with all the intense feelers out there.

Spring is finally here. And it may not come as a surprise, but I am unreasonably happy about it. It seems perfectly reasonable to be happy after the long winter we have had, but maybe not quite as happy as I am. I am happy basically anytime I go outside, look out the window, feel warm, or see any plant anywhere. Combined, that is a large chunk of the day. And we're talking unusually happy... like, when a smile breaks out, unbidden, across your face so wide that all your teeth are showing because the weeds in the field are blooming and the yellow flowers scattered through the green just make you happy. That has been happening pretty much every day for a month and a half. I'm happy when it's pouring down rain. I'm even happy in the midst of the worst seasonal allergies I've ever experienced (there's some irony mixed in there there somewhere...).

The rational part of me wants to get all introspective over this discrepancy between valence of emotional response and emotional stimulus, but most of me says, "It's spring, just go with it. Be happy." I can't explain why I feel this strongly and I don't care. Is this what it feels like?!?! Even if its totally not and I still can't empathize with all you intense feelers, I still love you. And the springtime.

---

[i] Speaking of not understanding things, this cat doesn't understand the rules of ping pong, which is just relevant enough to link you to this adorable video. 

[ii] Unless you want to Myers-Briggs type your cats, which I should theoretically have the same qualms with but mysteriously don’t.

The Strength Of Men

I love that God made men. I also love that I am not one. Sometimes, I think it is easier to appreciate something from the outside, easier to recognize something that is different.

This week, I saw the movie Lone Survivor. It was excellent... difficult to watch[i], but I still loved it. For those of you who haven't seen it, I won't explain the entire plot, but will simply say that it is based on a true story of SEAL team 10 serving in Afghanistan in 2005, and that the title speaks for itself. Watching the movie was painful and involved a lot of wincing and mentally trying to keep myself together, but it also moved me deeply. And it kept me awake that night thinking.

There was a point in the movie, during which the team was literally tumbling down a mountain and I was feeling ALL the conflicting emotions, when I thought to myself, "There is something about men that I love." At the moment, I couldn't put that 'something' into words (because, really, too many feels at once), but as I thought about it later, the word that came to mind was "strength." It wasn't just the physical strength that the men displayed, but the strength of mind and character as they lived and died during their last day on this earth with courage and honor.

As I watched them, they seemed very... other. Very different from me. I could not have done what they did, and it made me appreciate that they could. And yes, I know that I have not been trained to be a Navy SEAL. But the difference seemed deeper, more qualitative. I too, have been made for war, but not for that part of war. My heart yearns to fight, but it is a fight to rebuild, to restore, to redeem, and to rescue. I want to be on the front lines of battle, but it is a different part of the battle, and fighting looks different where I want to be.

And so, as I lay awake and reflected on their fight, I rejoiced that God has equipped and prepared men to fight in some wars that I am not called to. I rejoiced that he has given them the strength they need for their battles, which frees me and inspires me to use the strength he gives me for my own battles. The strength of those men I have never met inspire me, but they are not the only ones who do so. I am inspired by men of strength who wage a Relentless Fight against pervasive sin and equip others to fight with them. I am inspired by men of courage who fight to be a father to the fatherless. I am inspired by men of honor who take a stand against sexual violence.

Although my heart is moved by the strength of all these men, they only dimly reflect the strength of one man. A man who, though innocent, was beaten until he was marred beyond human likeness. After this beating, which had killed others before him, he hauled a slab of wood on his bleeding back up a hill so that he could be nailed to it. And although he could have called down legions of warriors to help him, he allowed himself to be crucified while bearing the weight of every sin ever committed and experiencing a soul crushing separation from the person he loved most. The strength of other men inspires me, but it is the strength of this man, Jesus Christ, that empowers me.

P.S. It was an intense movie. Cats just didn't quite fit. But of course there are some pretty cool cats serving on the front lines, too. So enjoy some wartime cats.

P.P.S. In case that wasn't enough cats for you, there are also cats in the Middle East who deserve some love.

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[i] Side note for gents who want to care for the ladies in their lives... war movies like this usually leave us with deep feelings, and we have some hefty emotional processing to do even though the movie is over. As such, although watching a war movie might make you want to immediately play Call of Duty, doing that will make us want to cry. We sort of want to cry already, so its helpful if you just give us some processing time to pull ourselves together. (And this might not be true of all ladies, but its true for me and the girlfriends I've discussed this with.)

A Friend, A Bride, A Toast, And A List

Today, assuming that the snow doesn’t get in the way, my lovely friend Melissa will be flying home with her husband(!), Andy, from the Dominican Republic. Before I get distracted by how warm it is in the DR, let me return to my point.

This did not happen at the wedding,
thank goodness/unfortunately

Last Saturday, I had the privilege of giving a toast at their (absolutely beautiful, wonderful, tear inducing, I’m getting distracted again…) wedding.  After working with Melissa at a wedding venue (coincidentally, the same one where her wedding took place) for a number of years and watching a lot of horrendously bad toasts, I knew that I needed to keep things short, which is absolutely not in my nature. I managed to do this by only telling the guests the the top three reasons that Melissa happens to be the best friend a person could have, which was a painfully short summary of a very long list.

I am not going to subject you to the entire list either, but for those of you who know Melissa, those of you who want to know what to look for in a friend (we can do a character study!), or those of who you are otherwise avoiding working/studying, the following is a slightly more complete list of the reasons my friend is the best friend.

10. Melissa is crazy silly and fun. Who needs alcohol to have a ridiculous good time? Not us. Shenanigans have been had by one and all as a result of a certain seester-cousin from ze Banana Republic whose eastern European accent iz preetty good and qvite entertaining. This same person was, in fact, responsible for a certain rabid dog episode at Lincoln Diner, and is rather adept at hiding mini Tabasco sauce bottles. Long storie(s) short, Melissa is a pretty silly girl who keeps us all laughing, and she brightens my day quite a lot.

9. Melissa is extremely responsible.  She thinks ahead and plans for things, then remembers her plans, organizes them, prioritizes them, and executes them. It’s great. When she make plans to do something, you can depend on her to remember whatever you have decided to do and show up at the proper time to do this thing. Whereas I probably get about an 85% at this trait, Melissa gets a 97%. So not only is she a great example to me personally, but the general benefit of having a responsible friend is that you can trust her to take care of important tasks. I know that she will come through for me on the important stuff because she consistently does.

8. Melissa is exceptionally intelligent. However that cliché saying about being friends with people who are more intelligent than you goes, it is true. While Melissa does not make an ideal companion for watching Ace Ventura, she is an ideal companion to have a scintillating conversation about pretty much anything with. She is smart and a creative problem solver, which has been helpful not only in going to Nashville Tennessee four years in a row, but also in getting out of all those life scrapes that kind of happen when you aren’t expecting them. Also, she once let me explain mitochondrial DNA to her (and some of the exciting implications implied in the subject) during a run on the Gettysburg battlefield together, and although I was lightheaded from lack of oxygen by the end of the run, she totally understood mitochondrial DNA. And that is a delightful thing to have in a friend.

7. Melissa is observant and thoughtful. These two words more or less convey her unique ability to notice and remember both important and less important things about people. I love to randomly ask Melissa what color someone’s eyes are for no other reason than the fact that she will be able to tell me. It’s just a detail that she unconsciously stores in her memory when she is talking (and therefore making eye contact) with someone. But her abilities far exceed that example… she reads body language or word choice, preferences, or offhanded comments and then is able to recall these things later. Somehow, this is more than being able to read people (which she can) or having an excellent episodic memory (which she definitely has), but additionally being able to sort through and identify which details are important and worth remembering. I have strong suspicions that this trait is only the tiniest bit trainable and that it is largely a natural gift.

6. Melissa challenges me to grow in areas where I am weak. She also happens to balance me out in many of these areas, a coincidence (or, you know, divine sovereignty) that both makes up for some of my shortcomings and helps me to see them better. She talks to the customer service representative for me, but also makes me talk to customer service representatives myself. But really, she thinks and responds to life differently than I do, which helps me see what I am missing and how I could be responding differently. She knows my weaknesses and will both compensate for them and call me out on them.

5. Melissa lets others speak into her life. A technical, wordy way to say this is that she is open to reproof and correction, and holds many of her opinions with an open hand. In real life, this means that someone (I) can lovingly say, “I think you were wrong,” about something. Rather than immediately becoming defensive, she listens to what they are saying and considers it. This trait is rare (for it takes a delicate blend of humility with lack of insecurity), and is delightful to have in a friend, because it allows for change and growth. Not only does Melissa accept constructive criticism, there have been specific occasions in our friendship where she sought out such feedback out of a desire to grow.

4. Melissa is remarkably wise. This is even better than being intelligent, because it is more than just being right… it is also knowing when to be right. Melissa knows when to speak and when to remain silent, when to correct and when to just encourage, when to be silly and when to take everything seriously. She can discern which truthful thing is the right thing to say in the moment. This means that she gives great advice (with bonus relevant scripture, because she can magically recall it to mind when pertinent) and can handle a situation delicately when needed. Again, I trust her to do the right thing and to help me figure out what the right things is in my life.

3. Melissa is exceedingly generous. She is one of the few people I know who is truly generous with both her time and her possessions. Anyone who has ever lived with her and borrowed all of her clothing (a rather long list of ladies) can attest to this. So can all of the people who have ever gotten a ride from her (this is a much longer list). When my ipod was stolen in Nicaragua 2 ½ years ago and I didn’t know how to function without constantly available music and Mark Driscoll podcasts, Melissa ‘lent’ me her ipod. I still have it. There is a line in the song “Friend Like You” (by Joshua Radin) that says, “If you had three, you’d give me two.” It always reminds me of Melissa because of the way she freely gives what she has.

2. Melissa is unfailingly faithful. I do stupid things. Often. I can be a whiny, overly sarcastic, thoughtless, selfish person. And somehow, she is still my friend. I cannot credit this to any bribing or coercing on my part, and am left with the explanation that Melissa is just loyal and committed to loving the people in her life. When there is conflict, she approaches it so it can be resolved. When there is hurt, she forgives it. Basically, when it would be easier to walk away, she doesn’t. This characteristic results in deepening relationship over time rather than just coasting along, maintaining the status quo, and a security in relationship that leads to freedom to be yourself and take risks.

1. Melissa is daily becoming more like her first love, Jesus. She has many of the wonderful traits that make her who she is because she is actively seeking to grow in her relationship with her savior, and as she does this, she grows more like him. I have seen her grow for 11 years now, and as she does, she becomes more Melissa than ever before, and Melissa becomes more of a joy to be around. She is more life-giving, more thoughtful, more wise, more faithful, more loving than she was when I first met her. This is one of the most wonderful things about being friends with her… it keeps getting better as we go.

I hope that you all have the joy of having a friend in your life as wonderful as my friend. Ultimately she isn’t Jesus, but I am still extremely fond of her :)

P.S. Speaking of friendship and things that aren’t quite as great as Jesus, here are some pictures of cats and the people they love. YOU DO NOT WANT TO MISS THEM. The pictures of the elderly people with their cats slay me (although little ones with their cats are great, too). I hope one day to be old and have a snuggly cat.  

Cats and Penitence

Okay, dear readers… I owe you an apology.

Yes, its true… I didn’t blog at all last month. I was busy (wedding! holidays!). I was tired (work! no sleep!). I didn’t want to subject you to only whining, complain-y posts (Too much work! Not enough science! What am I doing with my life?!). But I’m still sorry.  

So as an act of penitence, I have collected a rather stunning array of cat-themed articles (the term 'articles' is really a stretch, since most of them come from BuzzFeed) that I will be including with all of my posts for the foreseeable future.

Basically, I am giving you extra cats per post. Also, if you have cute pictures of your cats (or, you know, other people’s cats… I’m not really that legalistic about who the cat belongs to), by all means send those to me as well! I hope to incorporate some new adorable feline friends in here soon.

So without further ado…

(Elizabeth seems to be drawn to my bed if I am using my lightbox in it, and both of my cats regularly donate their fur to my body blankets. I guess that means they have been taking care of me.)