Blog-iomics and Life Updates

Blogging is a tricky mix of "this is my diary" and "this is NOT my diary." Too many opinions with not enough real life gets preachy and boring. Ain't nobody got time for that. On the other hand, if write a stream of consciousness as it happens, you are going to (1) be overwhelmed and confused (that stuff is hard to follow) and (2) realize how screwed up I am.

It's not that I don't expect to confuse you occasionally... and if you are perceptive (or even can read) you should already know that I have issues. I would just prefer not to terrify you with too much of either one.

So I have drafts and drafts of things that I want to tell you. However, packaging these to neaten them up without making them into a lecture has bottle-necked things recently. And it's true, I have also been very low energy. Or you could just say I'm bad at blogging.

But I love reading blogs. And I was thinking about the blogs I love, realizing what a blessing my favorites are and how much these women and men sacrifice to write them... they all lead fascinating/inspiring/sacrificial/sometimes mundane/sometimes difficult lives, and they take the time to honestly write it down. How kind of them! I appreciate it so much!

My life is not so fascinating, inspiring, etc... it's often not even so difficult (although the mundane I can related to). I'm not like the people whose blogs I love the most, but I want to be more like them. So I'll just try to be honest (maybe even consistent?!?) and hopefully along the way you will see God at work. I'll tell you the things that God is stirring my heart over and maybe they will (or maybe they won't) move your heart. This seems like a terrifying risk to take but I know that rationally, it's not possible to be passionate about ALL the things all at once so it's okay if you don't care as much as I do. I'm just going to keep talking (or typing) as I stumble through life and hope that it's not a waste.

So with that resolve, here are some quick life updates and thoughts. Some of them have their own posts sitting as a messy draft that I may or may not stick cat pictures in and post at some point:

-My job is going well. That is to say, I am enjoying it today and if I don't enjoy it tomorrow, I will still be glad that I have it. The research itself waxes and wanes, so some days are more motivating than others. Also, my personality is definitely not suited to working alone with samples all day, but we probably knew that already. I have been getting some cool opportunities here, and I am starting my own project on PTSD in a military cohort soon, so that's exciting (and a bit concerning, because miRNA? that stuff is way more complicated than I was thinking...)

-I've been fatigued since October for no good reason, but it has definitely gotten better between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's possible that I have had a holiday season reprieve and this fatigue will resume, but I am hoping what I'm feeling now is because I was sick and I'm fighting off all the bugs I was exposed to on Christmas. For the record, I don't recommend donating blood on a whim the day before Christmas Eve if your blood pressure and iron are lower than usual, and then skipping dinner afterwards and not drinking enough (in my defense, I would have eaten if I hadn't gotten stuck in traffic and needed to go straight from work to rehearsal). We can add this to the list of dumb things Christiana has done that you should not do. In retrospect, I think you should probably not give blood right before Christmas anyway because of aforementioned exposure to sick people that will likely be combined with lack of sleep on Christmas eve. Personally, I will probably just not give blood in the winter... but that's because I an unreasonable about the cold.

-Christmas was lovely. I've been sick more or less since the 23rd, but Christmas was still a lovely day. My Pap was way happier than I anticipated based on Thanksgiving, Mom and I didn't set our house on fire (the shed, unfortunately, didn't fare so well but technically Mom and I didn't set that on fire either), and I got to see most of my family (although some of my cousins I wish I had more time with). Since for a while I didn't really enjoy any holidays, it's nice that seeing family can be pleasant, and it was this year :)

-Church is decent. Actually, church is good, but I'm feeling like I'm in a dry season spiritually, so I'm not enjoying church like I usually do. Or reading my bible. Or praying. Or singing. Christmas was still good, because you don't have to feel totally awesome about a true thing for that thing to still be totally awesome. Basically, I'm holding onto intellectual faith, force-feeding myself the word (excellent advice from a wise friend), and trusting that the emotions will be rekindled in my heart. It's reminded me recently of how God's love radiates like light and heat... I want that warmth but I don't create it myself. It comes from Him, just like spiritual life and growth come from Him. More on that another time...

-The cats are happy. They very much enjoyed the wadded balls of wrapping paper on Christmas morning, and at least one of them stole bows off of packages before they were unwrapped. They love the Christmas tree, but they don't actually hurt it, they just sit under it contentedly and Lady M occasionally tries to eat a jingle bell (never successfully). This week I used a hammer to put together some furniture (my wonderful mother got me a book shelf! And after putting all of the stray books on it, there is still room for more books!) and it took over an hour of both cats rolling all over and snuggling with the hammer for me to realize that I keep it in the same drawer as the cat nip. An accidental Christmas present for the kitties.

Every bow is Lady Margaret's bow

Celebrating Baby Jesus' Birthday

I compartmentalize both mentally and emotionally like a pro[i]. In many ways, I find this to be helpful, such as when action needs to be taken and I don’t have time to feel all the feels. However, it also has some pitfalls, like when I file something away in the ‘later’ box and forget to take it back out… or when it is Christmas.

There are enough people who talk about the ‘real meaning of Christmas’ that it should be easy to remember what Christmas is all about. And with all of the Christmas movies that my mother forces me to watch that I enjoy watching with my mom, I get frequent reminders of the reason for the season. In fact, Linus tells me several times through the month of December.

And yet, although I am definitely improved in my ability to remember that Christmas is about Christ while also doing the things that are done at this time of year, I simply don’t get excited about Christmas the way I do about Easter. I love Easter, the whole Easter season (you can ask me why, I know just the reason). And while I get excited all through lent, cry on Good Friday, and cheer Easter morning, Christmas feels like the necessary prequel, the sponsor of Easter (“This holiday made possible by…”). I enjoy putting up my crèche and reading the nativity story, but Christmas doesn’t touch my heart quite like Easter does.

But I put my finger on why it does that this year. I have identified the problem (and that always seems to be the first step toward recovery). I have been compartmentalizing Jesus[ii]. I have been celebrating Baby Jesus’ birthday instead of celebrating the King of Kings coming down to earth as the God-man.

In absence of conscious effort, Christmas in my mind is a fairly quaint affair. Sure, it was definitely a bit grittier in real life than in the storybook versions (1. Have you ever smelled a place where animals live? 2. Culturally, Mary was up to nine years younger than me… I can’t imagine anyone trusting me with a baby at that age, much less one who is also the savior of the world. 3. The reigning King is actually a baby killer.) Still, I take for granted that God is doing cool things with the stars, sending angels around to appear to regular people, likely ramping up spiritual warfare against Satan’s attacks, and incarnating himself… and I end up just focusing on a snuggly baby.

Don’t get me wrong. I love babies. Snuggling with them is the best (even better than kittens). It’s awesome that God chose to come as an approachable, snuggle-able little one rather than coming in glory and being terrifying. His coming as a baby and submitting himself to our messy existence definitely reveals an aspect of his character that is awesome and makes me love him. But sometimes, I get stuck on Baby Jesus and I forget about Jesus with tattoos on his leg and eyes like fire in Revelation 19. It makes perfect sense on someone’s 50^th birthday to look at their whole life and the person they have become, not just the story of their birth. That sort of slipped my mind on the celebration of Christ’s 2013^th birthday. Hopefully, I will do better for his 2014^th.

Speaking of cats and Christmas... I think 1:30 and 2:00 might be my favorites,  but then there is every other part, and those might be my favorites, too. 

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[i] For a woman, anyway. To be fair, women and men’s brains are wired a bit differently, and thanks to our thicker corpus callosum, women generally tend to be better at multitasking but not quite as good at compartmentalizing. There are admittedly times when I wish I could put unimportant things away in a box but just can’t. Thanks, brain chemistry.

[ii] This isn’t exactly big news for me. I struggle with compartmentalizing God all the time. I think if I could manage to simultaneously recall and coalesce all of the aspects of God that I (only partially) understand to date, my brain would explode. He’s just so big that if I can keep two or three characteristics in my head at once (powerful enough to create ALL the things, loving father, perfectly just, etc.), I’m making progress.

Reclaiming the 4th of July

No, this post isn't late. In my family, Independence Day is celebrated on the weekend closet to the forth. It just barely begins on the actual 4th of July...

Growing up, the 4th of July was my absolute favorite holiday... I liked it better than Christmas, Easter, and my birthday. For a closet pyromaniac who loves her big family, it was the best. We have a picnic "up on the hill" (my grandparents house, my Aunt & Uncle's house, and my house are adjoining) where around 125 family members, extended family, unofficially adopted family, and friends gather to party Martin-style: lots of food, drinks, huge fireworks (which are legal to buy somewhere outside of Maryland), swimming all day, bonfire once it’s dark, every outdoor game you can think of, singing around the piano, and best of all… family from out of town who stay all weekend. The other holidays just couldn’t compare.

Unfortunately, there are some pretty painful memories from a 4^th of July half a dozen years ago that put a damper on thing for me. I went through a period of disliking all the holidays for awhile, and although I am pleased to say that they aren’t as insufferable anymore, I can’t claim any as a favorite. Tarnished as it is, I can’t let any other holiday surpass the 4^th of July and take the position of favorite.

So I am reclaiming it.

Even though it might not be the most fun this year (or last year or the year before…), I will be at the picnic. I have already painted my

nails red white and blue (as I have with my Grandma since I was little) and I will be wearing an appropriately patriotic outfit tomorrow. And things will not be like they were before*, but I am going to enjoy myself.

In many ways, it feels like I am fighting a one-woman battle. Many in my family have taken the “pretend everything is fine until everyone is over it” route. Others take the “its too painful and I don’t enjoy it, so I’m not going”** route. I have a different approach… it is painful and it won’t be entirely enjoyable, but I am going to keep going until it is. It certainly won’t be this year, but ask me again a couple more years down the road. My hope is that by the time I am starting a family of my own, I will be able to enjoy the 4^th with them, and we can love it together for all the reasons I did... and for new reasons found along the way.

I love that we celebrate Independence Day not on the day that we won our independence, but on the day we declared it. We don’t wait to celebrate when the battle is over, but on the day we pledged to fight. Thus, I am fighting to reclaim my love of the 4^th of July… and tomorrow, I will be celebrating.

(Lady Margaret and Elizabeth have mixed feelings about the 4th of July as well.
Wearing decorations does not exactly please them. Chasing/eating decorations, on the other hand...)

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* Things will never be the same as they are in the nostalgia of our memories. I just read a really good post about the 4th by a friend that I found very relatable. Its a great read if you want to check it out!

**That is really an oversimplification of my family’s responses, and I don’t mean to do them the injustice of making their actions into a caricature. They don’t all just ignore the past or avoid the picnic, but many who have been affected seem to… withdrawal. Sometimes that is physical, other years it’s emotional. Either way, I miss them.