Not So Great Expectations

I thought everything would be better once I got my grad applications in.

Oops.

It seems that I have, probably for the hundredth time, mistakenly thought that I was about to get to a place in life where things would be easy... easy enough, that is, for me to do it by myself. I was expecting to reach this point right now and not desperately need Jesus.

Oh what a mistake. It's always such a mistake.

...Because the first half of January got me. I felt overwhelmed and I wanted to crawl under my desk and not do a single thing that apparently all need to be done at that very moment. And in the midst of this overwhelmed feeling, I thought, "It wasn't supposed to be like this!" I was angry because my expectations were inaccurate and I wasn't prepared for the way I was feeling.

Then in the midst of my midst of my frustration and dismay one week, I tuned in to the words playing on my (totally non-Christian music) Pandora station:

...Here I raise mine ebenezer, hither by thy help I've come
And I hope, by thy good pleasure, safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger wandering from the fold of God
he to rescue me from danger interposed his precious blood

Oh to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be
let thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee
prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart Lord take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above

I suppose I can add "impromptu rendition of my favorite hymn in the middle of a hard day" to my list of things to be thankful for...

The point is that I need grace every day. I need Jesus every day. It's to today, by His help, that I've come, and it's up to Him for me to safely arrive at my (eternal) home. But there is some prideful part of me that continues thinking that I can be independent and that I should be unless it's necessary to depend on God for something that's too hard for me to handle. That is not how life works at all, and unconsciously assessing whether I'll be able to make it through the day on my own sets me up for epic failure... or at least unnecessarily stressful days.

So today some of the responsibilities that were overwhelming me in January are completed. Others have been added to the list. But I'll be okay, because Christ's grace covers me today, like it does every day.

Blog-iomics and Life Updates

Blogging is a tricky mix of "this is my diary" and "this is NOT my diary." Too many opinions with not enough real life gets preachy and boring. Ain't nobody got time for that. On the other hand, if write a stream of consciousness as it happens, you are going to (1) be overwhelmed and confused (that stuff is hard to follow) and (2) realize how screwed up I am.

It's not that I don't expect to confuse you occasionally... and if you are perceptive (or even can read) you should already know that I have issues. I would just prefer not to terrify you with too much of either one.

So I have drafts and drafts of things that I want to tell you. However, packaging these to neaten them up without making them into a lecture has bottle-necked things recently. And it's true, I have also been very low energy. Or you could just say I'm bad at blogging.

But I love reading blogs. And I was thinking about the blogs I love, realizing what a blessing my favorites are and how much these women and men sacrifice to write them... they all lead fascinating/inspiring/sacrificial/sometimes mundane/sometimes difficult lives, and they take the time to honestly write it down. How kind of them! I appreciate it so much!

My life is not so fascinating, inspiring, etc... it's often not even so difficult (although the mundane I can related to). I'm not like the people whose blogs I love the most, but I want to be more like them. So I'll just try to be honest (maybe even consistent?!?) and hopefully along the way you will see God at work. I'll tell you the things that God is stirring my heart over and maybe they will (or maybe they won't) move your heart. This seems like a terrifying risk to take but I know that rationally, it's not possible to be passionate about ALL the things all at once so it's okay if you don't care as much as I do. I'm just going to keep talking (or typing) as I stumble through life and hope that it's not a waste.

So with that resolve, here are some quick life updates and thoughts. Some of them have their own posts sitting as a messy draft that I may or may not stick cat pictures in and post at some point:

-My job is going well. That is to say, I am enjoying it today and if I don't enjoy it tomorrow, I will still be glad that I have it. The research itself waxes and wanes, so some days are more motivating than others. Also, my personality is definitely not suited to working alone with samples all day, but we probably knew that already. I have been getting some cool opportunities here, and I am starting my own project on PTSD in a military cohort soon, so that's exciting (and a bit concerning, because miRNA? that stuff is way more complicated than I was thinking...)

-I've been fatigued since October for no good reason, but it has definitely gotten better between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's possible that I have had a holiday season reprieve and this fatigue will resume, but I am hoping what I'm feeling now is because I was sick and I'm fighting off all the bugs I was exposed to on Christmas. For the record, I don't recommend donating blood on a whim the day before Christmas Eve if your blood pressure and iron are lower than usual, and then skipping dinner afterwards and not drinking enough (in my defense, I would have eaten if I hadn't gotten stuck in traffic and needed to go straight from work to rehearsal). We can add this to the list of dumb things Christiana has done that you should not do. In retrospect, I think you should probably not give blood right before Christmas anyway because of aforementioned exposure to sick people that will likely be combined with lack of sleep on Christmas eve. Personally, I will probably just not give blood in the winter... but that's because I an unreasonable about the cold.

-Christmas was lovely. I've been sick more or less since the 23rd, but Christmas was still a lovely day. My Pap was way happier than I anticipated based on Thanksgiving, Mom and I didn't set our house on fire (the shed, unfortunately, didn't fare so well but technically Mom and I didn't set that on fire either), and I got to see most of my family (although some of my cousins I wish I had more time with). Since for a while I didn't really enjoy any holidays, it's nice that seeing family can be pleasant, and it was this year :)

-Church is decent. Actually, church is good, but I'm feeling like I'm in a dry season spiritually, so I'm not enjoying church like I usually do. Or reading my bible. Or praying. Or singing. Christmas was still good, because you don't have to feel totally awesome about a true thing for that thing to still be totally awesome. Basically, I'm holding onto intellectual faith, force-feeding myself the word (excellent advice from a wise friend), and trusting that the emotions will be rekindled in my heart. It's reminded me recently of how God's love radiates like light and heat... I want that warmth but I don't create it myself. It comes from Him, just like spiritual life and growth come from Him. More on that another time...

-The cats are happy. They very much enjoyed the wadded balls of wrapping paper on Christmas morning, and at least one of them stole bows off of packages before they were unwrapped. They love the Christmas tree, but they don't actually hurt it, they just sit under it contentedly and Lady M occasionally tries to eat a jingle bell (never successfully). This week I used a hammer to put together some furniture (my wonderful mother got me a book shelf! And after putting all of the stray books on it, there is still room for more books!) and it took over an hour of both cats rolling all over and snuggling with the hammer for me to realize that I keep it in the same drawer as the cat nip. An accidental Christmas present for the kitties.

Every bow is Lady Margaret's bow

Turning Off Autopilot

The other day, I was driving on a highway that I take all the time. And I don’t want you to judge me for my inattentiveness, but I’ll tell you straight up: it was 70-E. Now, there is a part of 70 east- and west-bound that kind of intersects part of Frederick near Rt 85 (you should be shocked at my unusual use of proper road names), and the speed limit decreases from 65 mph to 55 mph. Actually, let me accurate: decreased. Used to decrease. I absolutely promise you that when I first got my license, the speed limit decreased to 55 as you entered Frederick and then increased again on the other side. But the other day, I was driving on that stretch of road, like I do ALL THE TIME, and I saw an odd sign that said “Speed Limit: 65”. And I was confused. I know the speed limit is 55 right here, because I know where it changes back to 65. But there the sign stood.

And then I was more confused. I know where the speed limit changes to 55 on 70-W as I drive into Frederick. I navigate by landmark, so seriously, I remember where the speed limit changes. It's by the school buses on the hill before you get to the first exit for Frederick. Only, the next time I was driving that way, I looked for the sign, and it wasn’t there. I did find one a little later that said “Speed Limit: 65.” What madness is happening here?? Do I live in an alternate reality??

I came up with a reasonable hypothesis, which is this: they were doing construction on that part of 70 for ages (I mean, literally years) while they were building the Rt 85 overpass that connects downtown to the other part of town. And when they were done, 70 was absolutely beautiful and no longer narrowed to two lanes through that stretch, but remained three lanes across with this weave lane that I absolutely love (I know it’s weird to feel that strongly about a weave lane, but if you had to drive past there before, you would love it too). So there isn't really a reason to slow down anymore, and my guess is that when they finished construction, they changed the speed limit.

But they finished construction years ago. Not recently. Definitely before I graduated last year. How long have I been decreasing my speed unnecessarily? Its straight up embarrassing. Not the least of which because I do NOT like it when people drive below the speed limit on the highway. I am an unobservant, unknowing speed hypocrite.

Sometimes, it's hard to see what's right in front of you

But isn’t this how life goes? You settle in to the routine, stop paying attention, and one day you realize that you have been slowing down when you didn’t need to anymore. Continuing to be childish in one particular area of your life when in most other instances, you demonstrate the maturity that you have gained in that respect. Continuing to deal with conflict in the same way you always have with someone, even though you have learned better ways of handling things with other people. Continuing to seek comfort from one bad habit, even though you have stopped going to most of your old comfort dead-ends. I know I can settle into a routine and let ages go by before I reassess whether this is the best way to handle life. Often, it takes a dumb mistake like missing a literal sign to remind myself to turn off the metaphorical autopilot and look at life with fresh eyes again.

P.S. I attribute the lack of cat pictures to the fact that Lady M and Elizabeth will never get in my car willingly. But to make up for it, here is a reminder that other people do dumb things sometimes too, including playing their cats as instruments.

7 Things You Should Learn From My Mistakes Last Week

We all make mistakes. Apparently, when this happens, you are supposed to laugh at yourself when you can, apologize when appropriate, and learn from them. But today, you are in for a treat, because you get to skip all of the discomfort that accompanies actually making mistakes, and just learn from some of my mistakes from the past week.

1.      Back up your laptop more frequently than you think you should. It will always work perfectly fine until the day it doesn’t. When that day comes, your hard drive will have crashed and you will wish that you had backed it up recently. I promise. 

2.      Call people more often. I am not super fond of talking on the phone, and I am not much better about initiating skype dates with friends who don’t live nearby. However, it is unlikely that I will look back and think, “Man, I wish that I hadn’t talked to my college roommate a second time that one week. That was overkill. And skyping with that friend that I am going to visit in two weeks? Wow, that  was too much.” I won’t regret calling, but I probably will regret not calling. Just call.

3.      Given the opportunity, go swimming. I don’t care if you have been unconsciously avoiding swimming because your hands react to chlorine, you are always on the verge of losing your contacts underwater, or you just don’t like the way your hips look in a swimsuit (I obviously can’t relate to any of these things). Swimming is fun, and you should do it.

4.      Be more considerate to your mother, but remember that you can’t make her happy all the time. This is actually true of everyone you know. There are definitely times when I lean towards selfishness and laziness, at which times I need to man up (or perhaps woman up? or person up?) and be helpful when I don’t feel like it. There are other times when I need to stick to my convictions, and doing so makes her unhappy and/or causes conflict. When this happens, I am tempted to think that I am not being considerate enough when it’s actually a different matter entirely. Try to find that line.

Unless you are a cat, in which case you don't need a
bedtime because you sleep all the time anyway...

5.      Give yourself a bedtime. Otherwise, all you workaholics will just work forever, and all you night owls will stay up late because the chemicals in your brain are telling you that you are wide awake. Interesting confluence of these two issues… staring at a computer screen right before bed can actually keep you from sleeping, because most computer screens produce a blue wavelength of light that is normally present in the morning. The photopigment melanopsin reacts to this blue light in the morning to wake you up, while the absence of blue light in the evening causes increased production of melatonin (which makes you sleepy). So turn off all those screens you keep staring at and go to bed at a reasonable time… scientists believe that not going to sleep at night makes you not want to get up in the morning.<< that’s real science right there ;)

6.      Certain kinds of fruit are not in season for very long. If you want to make cherry pies, make room in your schedule when they come in season. Don’t wait until it fits into your schedule, because that might be 10 days later and by then they might not be in season. And then you might have to wait for an entire year before you can make more of your favorite pies. Obviously, these are all just vague things that might happen. But if it does happen, I assure you that you will be sad.

7.      Give up the illusion that you are self-sufficient and competent at all the things you would like to be. I hate feeling stupid, and I would rather everyone think that I am competent and can handle myself than realize that I don’t understand or know how to do something. I think this is compounded by the fact that I am mostlykindofprobably an adult and often feel like people expect me to be able to do x, y, or z by this point in my life. However, despite being a Martin *cough*know-it-all*cough* there are plenty of things that I am not an expert at (computers, handguns, plenty of science concepts), and there are times when I have to get someone to help me, explain something, or fix something. Realizing this ahead of time will probably make it easier to ask, and clearly stating that you know nothing and that they need to start at the beginning or dumb it down will increase the amount that you learn. It turns out that going in with humility is more helpful in these cases than faking confidence (although that is certainly helpful at other times). 

      So there you go! Also, in case you were wondering, the cute tuxedo kitty is Proverb. He belongs to some friends of mine, and since my hard drive was KIA, my pictures of Lady M and Elizabeth may or may not be lost. We'll see. Luckily, Proverb is adorable and also extremely photogenic, so I'm sure he'll be making guest appearances now and again :)