I thought everything would be better once I got my grad applications in.
Oops.
It seems that I have, probably for the hundredth time, mistakenly thought that I was about to get to a place in life where things would be easy... easy enough, that is, for me to do it by myself. I was expecting to reach this point right now and not desperately need Jesus.
Oh what a mistake. It's always such a mistake.
...Because the first half of January got me. I felt overwhelmed and I wanted to crawl under my desk and not do a single thing that apparently all need to be done at that very moment. And in the midst of this overwhelmed feeling, I thought, "It wasn't supposed to be like this!" I was angry because my expectations were inaccurate and I wasn't prepared for the way I was feeling.
Then in the midst of my midst of my frustration and dismay one week, I tuned in to the words playing on my (totally non-Christian music) Pandora station:
...Here I raise mine ebenezer, hither by thy help I've come And I hope, by thy good pleasure, safely to arrive at home Jesus sought me when a stranger wandering from the fold of God he to rescue me from danger interposed his precious blood Oh to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be let thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love Here's my heart Lord take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above
I suppose I can add "impromptu rendition of my favorite hymn in the middle of a hard day" to my list of things to be thankful for...
The point is that I need grace every day. I need Jesus every day. It's to today, by His help, that I've come, and it's up to Him for me to safely arrive at my (eternal) home. But there is some prideful part of me that continues thinking that I can be independent and that I should be unless it's necessary to depend on God for something that's too hard for me to handle. That is not how life works at all, and unconsciously assessing whether I'll be able to make it through the day on my own sets me up for epic failure... or at least unnecessarily stressful days.
So today some of the responsibilities that were overwhelming me in January are completed. Others have been added to the list. But I'll be okay, because Christ's grace covers me today, like it does every day.
The other day, I was driving on a highway that I take all the time. And I don’t want you to judge me for my inattentiveness, but I’ll tell you straight up: it was 70-E. Now, there is a part of 70 east- and west-bound that kind of intersects part of Frederick near Rt 85 (you should be shocked at my unusual use of proper road names), and the speed limit decreases from 65 mph to 55 mph. Actually, let me accurate: decreased. Used to decrease. I absolutely promise you that when I first got my license, the speed limit decreased to 55 as you entered Frederick and then increased again on the other side. But the other day, I was driving on that stretch of road, like I do ALL THE TIME, and I saw an odd sign that said “Speed Limit: 65”. And I was confused. I know the speed limit is 55 right here, because I know where it changes back to 65. But there the sign stood.
And then I was more confused. I know where the speed limit changes to 55 on 70-W as I drive into Frederick. I navigate by landmark, so seriously, I remember where the speed limit changes. It's by the school buses on the hill before you get to the first exit for Frederick. Only, the next time I was driving that way, I looked for the sign, and it wasn’t there. I did find one a little later that said “Speed Limit: 65.” What madness is happening here?? Do I live in an alternate reality??
I came up with a reasonable hypothesis, which is this: they were doing construction on that part of 70 for ages (I mean, literally years) while they were building the Rt 85 overpass that connects downtown to the other part of town. And when they were done, 70 was absolutely beautiful and no longer narrowed to two lanes through that stretch, but remained three lanes across with this weave lane that I absolutely love (I know it’s weird to feel that strongly about a weave lane, but if you had to drive past there before, you would love it too). So there isn't really a reason to slow down anymore, and my guess is that when they finished construction, they changed the speed limit.
But they finished construction years ago. Not recently. Definitely before I graduated last year. How long have I been decreasing my speed unnecessarily?Its straight up embarrassing. Not the least of which because I do NOT like it when people drive below the speed limit on the highway. I am an unobservant, unknowing speed hypocrite.
Sometimes, it's hard to see what's right in front of you
But isn’t this how life goes? You settle in to the routine, stop paying attention, and one day you realize that you have been slowing down when you didn’t need to anymore. Continuing to be childish in one particular area of your life when in most other instances, you demonstrate the maturity that you have gained in that respect. Continuing to deal with conflict in the same way you always have with someone, even though you have learned better ways of handling things with other people. Continuing to seek comfort from one bad habit, even though you have stopped going to most of your old comfort dead-ends. I know I can settle into a routine and let ages go by before I reassess whether this is the best way to handle life. Often, it takes a dumb mistake like missing a literal sign to remind myself to turn off the metaphorical autopilot and look at life with fresh eyes again.
P.S. I attribute the lack of cat pictures to the fact that Lady M and Elizabeth will never get in my car willingly. But to make up for it, here is a reminder that other people do dumb things sometimes too, including playing their cats as instruments.
We all make mistakes. Apparently, when this happens, you are
supposed to laugh at yourself when you can, apologize when appropriate, and
learn from them. But today, you are in for a treat, because you get
to skip all of the discomfort that accompanies actually making mistakes, and
just learn from some of my mistakes from
the past week.
1.Back up your laptop more frequently than
you think you should. It will always work perfectly fine until the day it
doesn’t. When that day comes, your hard drive will have crashed and you
will wish that you had backed it up recently. I promise.
2.Call people more often. I am not super fond of talking
on the phone, and I am not much better about initiating skype dates with
friends who don’t live nearby. However, it is unlikely that I will look back
and think, “Man, I wish that I hadn’t talked to my college roommate a second
time that one week. That was overkill. And skyping with that friend that I am
going to visit in two weeks? Wow, that
was too much.” I won’t regret calling, but I probably will regret not
calling. Just call.
3.Given the opportunity, go swimming. I don’t care
if you have been unconsciously avoiding swimming because your hands react to
chlorine, you are always on the verge of losing your contacts underwater, or you just don’t
like the way your hips look in a swimsuit (I obviously can’t relate to any of these things). Swimming is fun,
and you should do it.
4.Be more considerate to your mother, but remember
that you can’t make her happy all the time. This is actually true of everyone
you know. There are definitely times when I lean towards selfishness and laziness, at
which times I need to man up (or perhaps woman up? or person up?) and be
helpful when I don’t feel like it. There are other times when I need to stick
to my convictions, and doing so makes her unhappy and/or causes conflict. When this happens, I am tempted to think that I am not being
considerate enough when it’s actually a different matter entirely. Try to find
that line.
Unless you are a cat, in which case you don't need a bedtime because you sleep all the time anyway...
5.Give yourself a bedtime. Otherwise, all you
workaholics will just work forever, and all you night owls will stay up late
because the chemicals in your brain are telling you that you are wide awake.
Interesting confluence of these two issues… staring at a computer screen right
before bed can actually keep you from sleeping, because most computer screens
produce a blue wavelength of light that is normally present in the morning.
The photopigment melanopsin reacts to this blue light in the morning to wake you up, while the absence of blue light in the evening causes increased production of melatonin (which makes you sleepy). So turn off all those screens you keep staring at and go to bed at a reasonable time… scientists believe that not going to sleep at
night makes you not want to get up in the morning.<< that’s real science
right there ;)
6.Certain kinds of fruit are not in season for
very long. If you want to make cherry pies, make room in your schedule when
they come in season. Don’t wait until it fits into your schedule, because that
might be 10 days later and by then they might not be in season. And then you
might have to wait for an entire year before you can make more of your favorite
pies. Obviously, these are all just vague things that might happen. But if it does happen, I assure you that you will be
sad.
7.Give up the illusion that you are
self-sufficient and competent at all the things you would like to be. I hate
feeling stupid, and I would rather everyone think that I am competent and can
handle myself than realize that I don’t understand or know how to do something.
I think this is compounded by the fact that I am mostlykindofprobably an adult and
often feel like people expect me to be able to do x, y, or z by this point in my life. However, despite being a Martin *cough*know-it-all*cough* there are plenty of things that I am not
an expert at (computers, handguns, plenty of science concepts), and there are
times when I have to get someone to help me, explain something, or fix
something. Realizing this ahead of time will probably make it easier to ask, and
clearly stating that you know nothing and that they need to start at the
beginning or dumb it down will increase the amount that you learn. It turns out that going in with humility is more helpful in these cases than faking confidence (although that is certainly helpful at other times).
So there you go! Also, in case you were wondering, the cute tuxedo kitty is Proverb. He belongs to some friends of mine, and since my hard drive was KIA, my pictures of Lady M and Elizabeth may or may not be lost. We'll see. Luckily, Proverb is adorable and also extremely photogenic, so I'm sure he'll be making guest appearances now and again :)
I can’t use the internet on my laptop when I am at home,
My cats have claimed my chair and it is covered in their
fur,
The AC in my room doesn’t work, so it’s hotter than the rest
of my house,
And I get really grumpy after a few hours of job searching.
There is always something small—or not so small—around to
make your day less than ideal. Maybe it’s your relationship with the people you
live with. Maybe you miss friends or community that aren’t nearby anymore.
Maybe your job (or lack of one) is frustrating you.
I found an unexpected and yet unsurprising remedy for some
of my first world problems at the Convoy of Hope event that happened in
Frederick this weekend. Convoy of Hope is a national organization that partners
with local nonprofits and volunteers to do community outreach events for people
who are food-insecure (who don’t know where their next meal is coming from). I
volunteered with my Mom and some women from our church who have volunteered for
the past few years at the yearly event in our city. It’s a day for guests and
their families to come and get free groceries, shoes, haircuts, family
portraits, medical attention and much more.
I was really impacted by the rally the night before for the
several hundred people volunteering for the event. As they were getting
everybody pumped and giving them a more realistic picture of the people we were
serving, my mind was racing and “critically analyzing” the way my college
taught me. Of the 17,100 people in
Frederick county who are food-insecure, 54% do not qualify for any kind of
assistance… Immediately, I’m back to the “Homelessness in America” seminar
I took at school. Implications for system reform? What do we need to fix to
address holes in the safety net? Should we be addressing the safety net, or
focus on the economic and education systems that are such big contributors to
the high poverty rate in our country? Shouldn’t I be focusing my efforts on
more long term effectors than a one-day event?
As my mind was busy being critical, my attention was drawn
back in by the leaders, who were talking about the ways in which a day sparks a movement, how
hope changes lives, and how Jesus is the ultimate hope that people need
regardless of income. …Poverty is the
absence of hope, the absence of desire for change or the expectation that
change will happen. And I realized how silly I was being! Not only had I
been getting caught on all of my first world problems, forgetting about the
people in my community who literally have eaten cat food when they had no food to eat, but when I was
reminded about them, I was too busy critically examining whether this was the
best use of my “helping others” time. Meanwhile, hundreds of people from
different churches all around my community had gathered together because they have
a heart for the people Jesus told us to serve and care for, and I was missing
the opportunity to praise him for it! Thankfully, I managed to ditch my
elitist, educated at a liberal arts private college brain in time to pray and
sing with the people there preparing their hearts to serve the next day and
praying for God to move in the people in our city.
It was a good weekend… although between Convoy of Hope and
preaching at church on Sunday it felt kind of like walking down humility lane
and thankfulness road at the same time. In case you weren’t aware, this tends
to make your ego—and your knee—sore :)
What about you? Are there areas in your life where you are being taught humility? Thankfulness?
P.S. If there are not enough kittens in this post for you, I recently found ANOTHER CAT BLOG! This one is in Japanese, which I think makes it that much better.
