Summer Summary

Summer was fabulous, although not particularly glamorous. But it was warm, days were long, and I felt (dare I say it?!) rather content. Summer is my favorite time to be alive, and I spent time doing everything but blogging. Here is a smattering of summer updates:

-In June, I went with some college friends-and my Mother-to see Josh Garrels perform in DC, and it was so much fun! This is the third time I've seen him live (aka every time he tours on the East Coast, I am sooo there) and every show has been quite different, depending on instrumentation and setting, but equally wonderful. We got to do a Q&A before the show, and Gene and I were sad for a hot second that we didn't get to ask our questions... Except then Josh hung out for awhile afterward and we got to go talk to him and ask our questions directly. Not only does his music move my soul, I am now more certain than ever that Josh Garrels is an awesome guy and I wish we could be friends in real life. Also, that night got an A+ for getting to spend time with friends I don't get to see as much as I'd like.

Is this real life moment #1: My mother hangs out with me and my friends kind of often, and somehow it's not weird.

Is this real life moment #2: Josh Garrels makes a lot of eye contact when he talks to people... like, intense amounts of eye contact. I'm not sure how he can think about his responses to questions and make that much eye contact at the same time.

-I took the GREs at the end of June, which means that I spent most of May/June either studying or trying to convince myself that I should be studying. That quantitative score was not as high as I had hoped, so I studied like mad for the next 2 months and took it again at the end of August. Success! Good thing, since I don't think I have ever studied that much for a test ever. Also, working full time and studying 15-20 hours a week (hello, August!) is a serious impediment to having a life. So I didn't do too many exciting things, unless you find watching New Girl with your Mom exciting. On the other hand, I am really excited (aka equal parts exhilarated and terrified) about applying to grad school, so at least I am looking forward to the loads of work in my future :)

(This is how we study)

Is this real life moment #3: One of my family members told me that if I was serious about 'this grad school thing' and was going to go to school till I'm 30 or something, that I should consider freezing my eggs for when I want to have children because, "They're best now." I repeat: this is an actual thing that happened to me. I think my response was hysterical laughter but it was such an uncomfortable experience I can't remember exactly.

-Another June happening... one of my dear Gettysburg friends came to visit. It was truly a delight to spend time with Allison after much too long apart, and many chats occurred (basically non-stop) for the next 24 hours. There was also a happy mix of singing, snuggles, and Sovereign Grace time. I love going to church with friends; after 4 years of carpooling from Gettysburg to Hanover for church, I'm still adapting to walking in the door without an entourage, and its always nice to bring friends to a place I enjoy so much!

Is this real life moment #4: I took Allison with me to go shooting Sunday afternoon, because that's what you do when you have a farm and its a sunny summer afternoon. It was her first time shooting (she did great!) and I was reminded of how lucky I am to have grown up in a place with so much space for activities.

-Unusual amounts of paddling through water happened on Labor Day Weekend (although it wasn't the only time this summer). I went white water rafting on the lower Youghiogheny River with my family Saturday, mostly because my 'baby' cousins were coming from WVU and I wanted to see them. I did a bit of white water kayaking on the Potomac on Monday with my best friend's mother (aka my second Mom) and some of her clan. By then, when every muscle was sore, this seemed like a bad idea, but with the river low for kayaking, our trip down the river was much easier than it was the year before with my college roommate (still sorry, Elle!). So both days ended with everyone alive, and I learned a few more things about good life choices on the river.

Is this real life moment #5: One such life choice is to not encourage people who don't like adventure sports to come on adventures with you. As I was sailing out of our raft in the middle of some rapids, calmly considering whether I could say in front of the boat or had to go under and wait for it to pass over me, I could hear my Mom panicking. When I had been pulled back in and received a pat on the back from my father for hanging onto my paddle, she was still panicking. Why were my adrenaline-seeking father and adrenaline-avoiding mother both in a raft together? Because someone had not thought this through properly.

-My favorite Sovereign Grace moment this summer was probably our care group retreat to the mountains of West Virginia. I spent a wonderful weekend on the most idyllic farm with awesome people, and it was so great to just... be... for an entire weekend. Apart from going to the middle of beautiful nowhere, we shot guns, set off fireworks, lit lanterns, laid in the grass, hung out around a campfire on the side of a hill, and talked. And talked. And talked. I think there was even more talking than there was fire, and both were in ample supply to make me the happiest girl.

Is this real life moment #6: Pretty much everything about the weekend was surreal, especially since I left the day I took my GRE's and had a perfectly abrupt change in my schedule. No time for anything and then all this time and beauty and friend chats? It was delightful.

So, in summary, it is sometimes hard to believe that this is real life, because life is crazy and joyful and unexpected... just the way I like it. As fall comes, and it gets harder to get up in the dark every morning, I try to hold on to feelings of sunshine, fields, and friends that made the summer so lovely and remember that God is good...and that this season will come back again, just like it always does.

Adventure Is Out There

I love traveling. I love road trips. I love adventures. So going to Ireland was pretty much the best thing ever, a much needed break from the mundane and a chance to go explore the beautiful unknown.

In case you haven't already been subjected to regaled with tales from my Ireland trip, one of my good friends is completing a Master's degree at Queens University in Belfast this year. I have decided to implement the rule "When your friend is living abroad, you go and visit" in my life as much as is possible, so I went to Ireland this April while Bobby was on Easter Break. I flew in to Belfast, and we rented a car for a week so we could road-trip around the country, which was the best idea. Besides having a grand time driving on the left and not killing anyone, we saw so much of the country (mostly along the coast) and every bit was beautiful. After we made it back to Belfast, I got to hang out in the city for a few days, meet some of Bobby’s friends, and relax. Everything was wonderful, but I have way too many thoughts to tell you about everything, so here were 8 of my favorite things:

1)      Every single castle. We purposefully visited some, and happened across others on the way, (“We sees, we stops!”) but I loved every single one, from the ruins to the lavish restorations. I wanted to live in all of them, especially the ruins.

Dunluce Castle

(Seriously, I'm going to live in Dunluce)

Dunguaire Castle

Bunratty Castle

The top tower of Bunratty

Dún na Séad (Baltimore) Castle est. 1215

Blarney Castle

Kilkenny Castle

2)      The Cliffs of Moher. When people ask, I say this was my favorite place (although who could pick a favorite??). On the west coast, green rolling hills end in staggeringly high cliffs with crazy waves and fantastic views. The angle of the sun when we were there made it hard to get pictures that do it justice, but the walk along the edge of the cliffs was breathtaking (a small part of that might have been the fact that there was nothing between you and the edge… I joked that the fence-less path would never be allowed in the States and that I like Ireland better.)

Yes, those little things at the top of the leftmost cliff are people

Just winding along this little path here... don't worry, we clearly survived.

3)      The company. Surprise, neither of us wanted to kill the other person! Those who know the two of us also know that a week and a half of being together all the time could have resulted in amicicide ;) Instead, I had a fabulous visit with my friend, and it was delightful to sing duets from A Very Potter Musical in the car, take a ton of selfies that “weren’t pretty” (according to our mothers), make jokes about our personality quirks, and all those things you do with a friend you’ve known since you were 11.

4)      Newgrange. This place was so fascinating and mysterious. Built around 3,200 BC (before Stonehenge and the Pyramids at Giza) its purpose is not fully understood… is it a tomb? A temple? It’s also impossible to say for sure what the carvings on the huge stones ringing the mound mean. What can be said for certain is that on the winter solstice, the sun shines directly in the roof-box window built above the passage to the center of the mound so that sunlight streams into the center chamber. The space in the chamber felt sacred somehow, and it made me look forward to the day when we can ask God questions about the people who came before us and what they were thinking when they built Newgrange.

5)      Trad sessions in pubs. Have I mentioned that Bobby is even more into Celtic music than I am? As in, he is so obsessed with Celtic Woman that I can make fun of him despite being a fan myself. Also, he plays the bodhran (like, actually well), and the fiddle (who just decides to pick that up after college?) and several whistles (which he threatened to play while I was driving the car but ultimately didn’t because he was too busy screaming and trying to find something to hold onto). All that to say, we experienced a LOT of Celtic music while I was there, but my favorite was when I was ensconced in a corner of a pub with a strawberry-lime cider and my copy of A Game of Thrones while Bobby played in a trad (traditional music) session with a bunch of drunk friendly Irish musicians.

Alas, in this kind of light I got no
decent photos of music sessions anywhere we went

6)      Corcomroe Abbey. I confess, I do not get excited about visiting cathedrals (which we did several times thanks to my more enthusiastic traveling companion) but the ruins of Corcomroe Abbey were captivating. Surrounded by rolling hills with stone-walled sheep pastures, the ruins stood stretching up until they met the deep blue sky (the roofs were long gone, but the stone walls remain). A graveyard surrounds the abbey with graves from the 1700’s up until 2014, and even inside, the ground was covered with gravestones and memorial stones. I loved the phrasing on the very old stones, things like, “Lord have mercy on the soul of            who departed this mortal life on           .” There were no people anywhere, so it was just Bobby and I with the dead below us and the heavens above.  

This tombstone in the entranceway was for a Ryan
McCann who died in the 1800's.

"Pray for the soul of Martin Burke and Posterity. 1775"

7)      Carrick-A-Rede. Also known as the rope bridge that I made it across without losing my wallet (although it was a close call) and the island that I almost blew off (thanks for saving me, Bobby). Although not part of the original bridge, someone was considerate enough to add a second handrail so you could hold on to both sides, thus losing a bit of the charm but also saving tourists from being blown off by the wind. The beauty was totally worth the slight terror.

 

I'm not that bad at standing, it was just really windy. Here comes the storm!

8)      Late night chats with Bobby’s (quite smart) friends. Who turns down an opportunity to hang out with cool people and discuss politics, gene by environment interactions, social justice, education systems, body language, church culture, and college ministry? The correct answer is: not this girl. While on the subject of things we did in Belfast, I also LOVED the C.S. Lewis reading room in the University Library (I want one just like it in my house, which will hopefully also be a castle), and as always while abroad, I thoroughly enjoyed grocery shopping. Alas, I took no pictures during any of these adventures. 

It was a wonderful trip, and I feel so blessed to have been able to go. I think I could have stayed for another week (or month) and still not been ready to leave.

Occasionally, I Get Excited About My Career Choice

Often, my job seems pretty far away from what I want to be doing some day. And that's fine, because it is just close enough to get me where I need to be in the next few years. But without daily reminders about how totally awesome psychology is (clinical psychology, actually, since of course if I look anywhere there are daily reminders about how awesome general psychology is) I can lose sight of where I eventually want to be and why I want to be there.

Luckily, there are professional conferences to cure that! I was able, through my work with a professor at Gettysburg, to travel to the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies convention in Philly in November to present a poster on our research of Borderline Personality Disorder. Now, I don't want to do Borderline research permanently, and none of the rock stars on my dream list of research mentors were going to be attending, so it wasn't the most important professional opportunity ever. It was, however, incredibly fun to get to attend so many fascinating symposiums just because I wanted to. I think I bombarded everyone who came in contact with me for the following week with information about suicide safety planning in veterans, gender differences in emotional disorders, seasonal affect disorder, etc... so I won't do that again here. 

Why has no one suggested cat therapy
for SAD? Cuddling cats seems like a
logical treatment to me.

I do want to share my favorite moment from the conference. It was a perfect blend of nerding out about science and being inspired by what clinical psychology has the potential to be:

A man at the SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) symposium on Sunday morning at 8:45am identified himself as a clinician, and at the end of the research presentations, he asked why visor treatment isn't considered the gold standard for SAD treatment, given his experience that his patients are much more willing to use the visor treatment rather than light-box treatment. So Michael Young, the developer of the dual vulnerability model of SAD (he was there!) responded from the audience (because he wasn't presenting that day) that it's because the visor treatment hasn't been shown to be effective in clinical studies. The clinician immediately responded with clarifying questions about whether that has to do with adherence (apparently a problem with light box therapy is that people stop using it) or if, given participants who are adhering to either type of treatment, the visor treatment is ineffective. Dr Young replied that although theoretically the visor treatment should work great, studies aren't finding efficacy. They continued discussing distance measurements, why this treatment should work, the data that isn't backing it up, and the clinician looked thoughtful.

Meanwhile, inside, I was shouting for joy at the idea of a clinician getting up early on a Sunday morning to listen to research presentations and ask good questions related to what is best for the patients he is treating. It was so exciting seeing a clinician engaging with a researcher and really going out of his way to understand the current research that is relevant for his clinical practice. If only every practicing psychologist were so invested in evidence-based treatments and best approach to care for their clients!

Sometimes it's nice to remember that I get really excited about clinical psychology and research. The field has so much potential to positively impact people (and to keep my attention for decades... there's too much left to learn to ever get bored). So after another day of seeing the sun for less than five minutes and driving for more than three hours, I can curl up happily with a textbook on attachment that I got for Christmas and try to figure out who I should convince to admit me to their program :)

  

In case you were wondering, this gentleman is Sweetums (what other name could he possibly have?), he was my friend Katy's housemate for a period of time, and yes, I have more pictures of him so brace yourselves because it is going to be awesome. Also, he does have eyes but just so much fur... I promise you can see them in the future.

Ready to Mingle? NO.

There are, occasionally, times when I wish that I weren’t single. I am not going to enumerate all of those here, but one such time is during my weekly (or sometimes more frequent) efforts to settle in to my new church[i]. This is not because I feel uncomfortable as a single person at my new church, or that all of the young married couples make me wish for what I don’t have (although there are many cute young couples... some of them with even cuter babies). The main reason is actually that I wish I had a companion and a teammate in all of this 'being the new person' business.

In my mind (in some part that I apparently don’t pay much conscious attention to, since I only just noticed this recently), I feel like it would be easier to reach out and get to know people if I had a base to reach out from instead of feeling adrift in a sea of 300 people I don’t really know yet.  This is true from both (1) an emotional energy perspective as well as (2) a behavioral perspective.

(1) I don’t know about you, but I find it emotionally draining to socialize with a ton of people that I don’t know well. The reverse is true of my close friends; spending time with them is relaxing and rejuvenating. I also find that it’s less draining to socialize and meet new people when I am with someone I am already comfortable with. I suspect that this is partially due to acceptance/approval and having a base of support. When you are meeting people and making new friends, you want them to like you (that piece of genius comes to you thanks to an expensive college education. You're welcome). Thus, when you are around new people, you are monitoring acceptance/rejection cues with more sensitivity, and I believe it makes a difference emotionally to have someone with you who is a solid base of acceptance. It's comforting and refreshing to know there’s already someone in the room who definitely likes you :)

(2) When you are around your friends, you act like yourself. When you are making friends, you want to do this, because if they don’t like who you are when you're comfortable, the friendship isn’t going to go far. However, you don’t act like yourself completely when you first meet people, because you want to make a good impression and, lets face it, deep down you are a weird, quirky, socially awkward person and you don’t want to overwhelm people the first time they meet you ;) I think that having a good friend with you when meeting new people acts as a behavioral buffer... you end up acting more like yourself because you are more comfortable, and people get to know you more easily.

Basically, going in pairs to a place where you are the only new people probably makes life easier.

Need more reasons why two are better than one? Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. And my cats.

So am I here to whine about how I don’t have a partner?  Nope. Been there, done that. I realized this week that I had been subconsciously resentful at God for sending me to church on my own, and then I reasoned out why (see above). And after allowing me my five-minute pity party, God shifted my perspective:

I have loved you with an everlasting love… (Jeremiah 31:3)

…I will never leave you nor forsake you. (Joshua 1:5)

Accept one another then, just as Christ accepted you… (Romans 15:7)

How easily I forget that I already have a base of support.  

Then, God reminded me that he uses seasons of life for a reason, and I realized that it is probably really good for me to learn to be myself around people that don’t know me without the benefit (or perhaps in my case sometimes... crutch?) of having a friend around. That seems like a good skill to learn, even if I find the alternative to be more comfortable. And even in this desire, it's not as if God has never blessed me with companionship. I went to college with my best friend, for goodness' sake, and half of the reason I know why it’s easier being new with a friend is because I can analyze my freshman year and the way we got involved in things together. 

So yes, I am getting involved by myself this time. And I am going to trust God’s timing and that he knows what he is doing with this. I don’t feel particularly more keen to go mingle, but maybe when I do it anyway, I will be a bit more like myself and less like that nice, shy girl that recently started going to Sovereign Grace. 

---

[i] I found one, isn’t that great?!?! I am attending Sovereign Grace Church of Frederick, and I love the people, and the doctrine, and the worship style, and the preaching style, and the pastors, and the vision… basically, I am as happy as my friend Allison’s cat, Lilly, who got ALL the attention and cuddles she wanted when I visited last week.

 

Dear Freshman,

This is not an open letter. I find myself irritated when people write 'open letters' that aren't really to the person they addressed it to, but are actually to the rest of the world about the person they addressed it to. To be fair, I frequently write letters to inanimate objects that serve the same purpose as open letters, but the following is not a letter to springtime or my laptop. This is a draft of a letter to my little cousin (he's a foot taller than me, but whatever) that I am giving him when he leaves for college this week. Most of my readers don't need this advice, but I figured I would submit it to you all (1) for revising in case I missed anything glaringly important or (2) if you have freshmen in your life. Of course I have omitted things, but that is because there is a big gap between the length of advice I could give to freshmen and the length I can expect my particular freshman to read :) These are just the things I realized that I wanted him to know while I was attempting to sleep one night... 

Dear [Freshman],

Congrats on going to school… I’ll admit it, college has been some of the best years of my life (although I expect there will be more fun to come after this) so I know you are in for an adventure. I figured since I was basically just there, I should tell you some things I learned along the way or had kind upperclassmen tell me when I first got to campus. 

1.     College is a time to do stupid, fun things (I have done many of those). It is not, however, a time to do stupid, dangerous things or stupid, illegal things. Don’t forget the difference.

…On a related note, freshman in a herd tend to do lots of stupid, dangerous, illegal things at the very beginning of school… the upperclassmen and staff at Gettysburg used to call the first few weeks that freshman were on campus 'the red zone' because freshmen were being dumb either to impress everyone else or because their parents weren't there and they had more freedom than they knew what to do with. Just keep your head.

…On another related note, I think I have already talked to you about the alcoholism that runs in our family? It’s worth mentioning again. I won’t bore you with all of the genetics and psychology (I could!), but I will tell you that alcohol affects me differently than most of my friends. Just watch out for that.

2.     Your honor is something that is both valuable and difficult to keep. Its worth it be an honorable guy.

…Watch out for the people around you, both the guys and the girls. Fun fact: 67% of men in college DON’T rape anyone! It goes without saying that you better be in that 67%. But a ton of rapes and sexual assaults happen on college campuses, and I know way too many girls this has happened to (you do too, although you probably don’t realize it). This means that people around you—or at least physically near you on campus—are going to be assaulted. If every college guy who didn’t rape anyone also prevented sexual assault when it was in danger of happening near them, you and I would know less people who have been assaulted. As much as our society likes to focus on how equal guys and girls are, there are some instances in which guys, in general, have more power than girls. Frankly, you have a greater ability to prevent rape than I do. With power comes responsibility, and all that. Be honorable regardless of how the people around you are behaving.

3.     Make friends with the kind of people you actually want to be friends with. I promise that those people are there, but it might take awhile to find them.

…I met some of my best friends in college in the first week or so of school. But that’s not the case with most of my friends, and I am not friends with most of the people I met in the first few weeks of school. In fact, I didn’t really begin to be friends with one girl until the end of my sophomore year, and I am going to be in her wedding in December. I didn’t meet some good friends until I was a senior. So don’t worry about finding the people who will become your closest friends... you will eventually. Just when you do find them, become friends :) 

…On a related note, get involved in a Christian fellowship on campus! I’m not going to pester you about this one because you are a big boy and your faith is up to you, but getting involved with the fellowship at Gettysburg literally changed my life. And my relationship with God. And who I became friends with. It was the best decision ever, and I had no idea when I got to campus that I should even look for a Christian fellowship.

4.     There will always be one or two huge things that mark you as a freshman. At my school, it was people actually using the lanyard and ID card holder the college gives at move-in for their keys and ID card. I would recommend not doing whatever that particular thing at your school is. Honestly though, don’t work too hard not to look like a freshman, because you are going to clearly look like a freshman to everyone else for the first month or two anyway. Just chill out about it and don’t use the lanyard they give you for your key :)

You are going to be totally fine. I have faith in you. College is awesome. If you ever need anything, you have my number. I love you!

-Christiana

Have I forgotten anything? Made any terrible errors? Let me know :)

Of course cats don't get to go to college. But the policy on pets visiting for a weekend was a littleeeee unclear my sophomore year, and this picture mayyyy have been taken in Tudor House. Possibly. (And the fire alarm might possibly have gone off while Lady M was visiting, causing my roommate to run around our room trying to find my cat in a building that she feared was on fire. Luckily my roommate liked cats... and the building did not, in fact, burn down) 

My Epic (Unsuccessful! Discontent!) Adventure

Yesterday, I began “The Great Job Search.” In your mind, I hope this has an epic level that parallels some adventure on the Oregon Trail. I also hope that this particular adventure is not like the Donner Party’s. My goals are to (metaphorically) not get trapped in snowy impassible mountains, run out of supplies, or resort to eating questionably deceased relatives (to be fair, at least some of the Donner party died of natural causes like starvation and sickness). But enough of this morbid talk, on to something uplifting like… oh wait, job searching. 

To be fair, I didn’t actually start job searching yesterday. I had been working on things on and off during the semester until around April, when I decided that I really needed to focus on the research that I was doing and get the work done before I graduated. So I put the job search on hold until three days after graduation. Honestly, this wasn’t too difficult because (1) my research was way more fun and (2) as much fun as research is, I don’t actually want a research job right now. I love research and totally want to be doing it, but my real desire was to go to grad school and do research there. There are advantages and disadvantages to going straight from undergrad to grad school, which I will not list here for the sake of brevity. Regardless, the truth is that I want to be in grad school now, not here at all.

Oh, that feels like some forbidden secret, just out there on the page for all to see. Attention! Christiana does not have her stuff together, and she has not succeeded in all of her endeavors! Yes, that is real life. There are two things that you and I may or may not choose to learn from this:

1: Success. I tend to functionally operate as if success works the same way that sinlessness or a good reputation does. One strike and you are out. In my head, I know that success does not work this way, and that you have to fail many times before to you do something great. However, I often live as if one failure will reveal to the world that I am actually a failure. Not only is this not true from a worldly perspective^{geek footnote 1}but it also assumes a second lie that my worth is determined by what I do and not who I am^{geek footnote 2}. Basically, this mindset is wrong and generally unhelpful no matter what perspective you choose. So, this job search is an (uninvited) opportunity for me to work on functionally acting as if I believe what I know is true: I already have worth, and I am going to grow as I experience challenges and rejection.

Unlike me, my old kitten Magnolia (we called her Maggie) had
obviously learned contentment at an early stage of life.

2: Contentment. I am not exactly sure why God has me at this stage of life. But I have been seeing more and more that it is at least partially to teach me about contentment. If you had asked me right around the time last semester when I was getting rejections from the grad schools I had applied to, I would have told you that I was honestly excited about learning contentment. That was because I was silly and forgot that learning contentment is about as much fun as learning patience. When you ask to learn patience you suddenly find yourself in a million and one situations that naturally make you impatient until you learn how to find patience independently of your situation. Similarly, it’s not that I have suddenly become content (“Oh, look at that girl, life circumstances should have gotten her down but she is just so content!”) but instead find that all of the circumstances that should make me discontent DO make me discontent. Great. So I would now describe myself as not exactly excited but still looking forward to learning this thing that I obviously have not learned yet: contentment.

And with that thought, I am back to the job search.

*Geek Footnote 1. Carol Dweck is a psychologist who has done research in a variety of settings exploring what she has defined "fixed mindset" versus "growth mindset." Essentially, the difference between the two is whether people view personality/core qualities as 'fixed' by nature, or changeable over time. Not only has Dweck demonstrated that learning can change characteristics we would consider to be 'core', but she has demonstrated over and over the benefits of having a growth mindset over a fixed mindset. Her research has tested these ideas in varied environments including the Israeli/Palestinian conflict, aggression in both bullies and victims, prejudice and cross-race relations, and more. For an awesome review, I would suggest her 2012 article "Mindsets and Human Nature: Promoting Change in the Middle East, the Schoolyard, the Racial Divide, and Willpower." (Unfortunately, I can't link you to the full article here... I will have to learn what non-institutionally affiliated people do to access full text articles because this scientist has been incredibly privileged and sheltered for the past 4 years.) 

*Geek Footnote 2. 

“…yet we know that a person is not justified by works of the law but through faith in Jesus Christ, so we also have believed in Christ Jesus, in order to be justified by faith in Christ and not by works of the law, because by works of the law no one will be justified.” (Galatians 2:16) 

 “But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God," (John 1:12)

We are not defined by what we do. In fact, we are not defined by ourselves, but by Christ. Our worth in him makes any worth we could dredge up for ourselves pale in comparison.