Summer Doesn't Come Quickly

I need some sunshine in my life desperately. I can feel it building up, the weight of winter bearing down on me. Tuesday I got to experience sunshine for more than 10 minutes! The last time that happened on a week day was probably... three weeks ago? Don't get me wrong, it was glorious, and I was VERY happy to be shoveling snow surrounded by natural light when I should have been at work. I just need more light than this. I am craving bright colors like other people crave their favorite food. Basically, I am not made for winter.

"Oh, the ennui. How will we survive?"          -Proverb

I could go on with the complaints: I don't want to eat, I can't seem to drink enough water, I'm tired and cold all the time, I can't seem to get excited about anything, don't get me started on my hair... but that stuff isn't helpful. I don't need to convince you that winter is dreadful and I can't wait for spring.

A smart woman making a metaphor once said that "summer doesn't come quickly," and the literal truth of that stood out to me. Spring will come. It always does. The days will get longer and green growing things will poke out of the ground and then flowers will come and everything I'm dreaming of will be a reality. But this is going to take some time for that to happen, and I can't just hibernate until it does.

So how do you make winter bearable? What can you do to remind yourself that life is worth living during all four seasons, even if this one is dark and cold? Here are a few things I am using to get through the winter:

1. Music. Listening to it, singing it... both are so helpful. Listening to the right music gives me energy or improves my mood. Other times, I just cocoon happily in my dark car on the way to/from work, but at least it keeps me awake. I love getting together with friends on a dark winter night, having a nice glass of wine, and improv-ing our way through whatever Broadway musicals/Celtic music/ worship songs/bad pop we have on hand.

2. Friends. Related to my first point, friends make life better. Go on an adventure with them, plan an adventure, at least hang out around them. Some people like to be around lots of people, others like just a buddy or two, and some (like me) are happiest in small groups. I confess that when I am low on energy, I don't want to make plans and spend time with people... but if I go too long without being with people, it really drains my energy. This self-perpetuating cycle is the worst and so I try to force myself out of it (with mixed success depending on the day).

3. Bright Colors. I get as much of these as possible from artwork, photographs, screensavers, desktop images, and even from clothes. If I have to endure coat-wearing temperatures, that coat will be red. My scarves will be vibrant. My cardigan will be fuchsia (as long as you can't see it and the red coat at the same time). Right now, I am feeling a strong desire for more floral print in my life, at least until actual flowers come back. Oh, and never underestimate the power of strawberries in the dead of winter. If I can find ripe ones, I love to bring strawberries as a snack when people get together.

4. Winter dresses. They have long sleeves, they are winter colors, they look great with leggings and boots. Now is the time to rock them, and somehow this brings me joy despite the fact that they are not really warm (compared to actual winter clothes). The long sleeves are mostly just for show, but they do prove that some pretty things exist uniquely in the winter. I would tentatively add boots, scarves, and sweaters to this point as well, except that I personally get enough wear out of these in the fall that by winter it isn't exciting anymore. Dresses though... they still get me out of my warm bed on Sunday mornings.

5. Cat Snuggles. I can't say that these make me want to get up and go (quite the opposite, actually), but they certainly make me happier. And since Elizabeth doesn't like the cold either, she uses me for body heat in the winter and I am perfectly fine with that.

I promise I was about to get up off the couch until
Lizzy decided to foil my plans.

6. Winter sports AKA books and crafts ;) I used to LOVE skiing, but my knee and my budget don't allow for it anymore. I currently get much more enjoyment out of reading, knitting, quilting, and all those crafts that are the most fun in your warm cozy house, preferably near a fireplace. At the moment, I am giving Sense & Sensibility another shot, reading a psychology textbook about attachment, re-reading Disciplines of Grace (I swear I'm going to finish it this time) and finishing a scrapbook that should have been completed years ago. Besides, of course, knitting ALL the things, as is appropriate.

7. Hypervigilance about daylight. Starting on Dec 21st, the days are getting longer. Only by minuscule amounts, but if you are motivated enough to pay attention, it is noticeable. Since I am (unfortunately, since it's not really adaptive) already hypervigilant about the days getting shorter in the fall, the least my non-superpower can do for me is pay attention through the rest of the winter as sunrise comes earlier and sunset comes later. Look, there is hope! Spring is coming.

I'm sure this is incomplete, but it's long enough. What did I miss here? What gets you through the winter? I'm quite interested in your thoughts, especially if they will make survival till spring a little more pleasant.

Sweetums doesn't care at all, but if he did, his suggestion would be to grow
more fur for the winter. He's got 99 problems but the cold ain't one.

Occasionally, I Get Excited About My Career Choice

Often, my job seems pretty far away from what I want to be doing some day. And that's fine, because it is just close enough to get me where I need to be in the next few years. But without daily reminders about how totally awesome psychology is (clinical psychology, actually, since of course if I look anywhere there are daily reminders about how awesome general psychology is) I can lose sight of where I eventually want to be and why I want to be there.

Luckily, there are professional conferences to cure that! I was able, through my work with a professor at Gettysburg, to travel to the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies convention in Philly in November to present a poster on our research of Borderline Personality Disorder. Now, I don't want to do Borderline research permanently, and none of the rock stars on my dream list of research mentors were going to be attending, so it wasn't the most important professional opportunity ever. It was, however, incredibly fun to get to attend so many fascinating symposiums just because I wanted to. I think I bombarded everyone who came in contact with me for the following week with information about suicide safety planning in veterans, gender differences in emotional disorders, seasonal affect disorder, etc... so I won't do that again here. 

Why has no one suggested cat therapy
for SAD? Cuddling cats seems like a
logical treatment to me.

I do want to share my favorite moment from the conference. It was a perfect blend of nerding out about science and being inspired by what clinical psychology has the potential to be:

A man at the SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) symposium on Sunday morning at 8:45am identified himself as a clinician, and at the end of the research presentations, he asked why visor treatment isn't considered the gold standard for SAD treatment, given his experience that his patients are much more willing to use the visor treatment rather than light-box treatment. So Michael Young, the developer of the dual vulnerability model of SAD (he was there!) responded from the audience (because he wasn't presenting that day) that it's because the visor treatment hasn't been shown to be effective in clinical studies. The clinician immediately responded with clarifying questions about whether that has to do with adherence (apparently a problem with light box therapy is that people stop using it) or if, given participants who are adhering to either type of treatment, the visor treatment is ineffective. Dr Young replied that although theoretically the visor treatment should work great, studies aren't finding efficacy. They continued discussing distance measurements, why this treatment should work, the data that isn't backing it up, and the clinician looked thoughtful.

Meanwhile, inside, I was shouting for joy at the idea of a clinician getting up early on a Sunday morning to listen to research presentations and ask good questions related to what is best for the patients he is treating. It was so exciting seeing a clinician engaging with a researcher and really going out of his way to understand the current research that is relevant for his clinical practice. If only every practicing psychologist were so invested in evidence-based treatments and best approach to care for their clients!

Sometimes it's nice to remember that I get really excited about clinical psychology and research. The field has so much potential to positively impact people (and to keep my attention for decades... there's too much left to learn to ever get bored). So after another day of seeing the sun for less than five minutes and driving for more than three hours, I can curl up happily with a textbook on attachment that I got for Christmas and try to figure out who I should convince to admit me to their program :)

  

In case you were wondering, this gentleman is Sweetums (what other name could he possibly have?), he was my friend Katy's housemate for a period of time, and yes, I have more pictures of him so brace yourselves because it is going to be awesome. Also, he does have eyes but just so much fur... I promise you can see them in the future.

Blog-iomics and Life Updates

Blogging is a tricky mix of "this is my diary" and "this is NOT my diary." Too many opinions with not enough real life gets preachy and boring. Ain't nobody got time for that. On the other hand, if write a stream of consciousness as it happens, you are going to (1) be overwhelmed and confused (that stuff is hard to follow) and (2) realize how screwed up I am.

It's not that I don't expect to confuse you occasionally... and if you are perceptive (or even can read) you should already know that I have issues. I would just prefer not to terrify you with too much of either one.

So I have drafts and drafts of things that I want to tell you. However, packaging these to neaten them up without making them into a lecture has bottle-necked things recently. And it's true, I have also been very low energy. Or you could just say I'm bad at blogging.

But I love reading blogs. And I was thinking about the blogs I love, realizing what a blessing my favorites are and how much these women and men sacrifice to write them... they all lead fascinating/inspiring/sacrificial/sometimes mundane/sometimes difficult lives, and they take the time to honestly write it down. How kind of them! I appreciate it so much!

My life is not so fascinating, inspiring, etc... it's often not even so difficult (although the mundane I can related to). I'm not like the people whose blogs I love the most, but I want to be more like them. So I'll just try to be honest (maybe even consistent?!?) and hopefully along the way you will see God at work. I'll tell you the things that God is stirring my heart over and maybe they will (or maybe they won't) move your heart. This seems like a terrifying risk to take but I know that rationally, it's not possible to be passionate about ALL the things all at once so it's okay if you don't care as much as I do. I'm just going to keep talking (or typing) as I stumble through life and hope that it's not a waste.

So with that resolve, here are some quick life updates and thoughts. Some of them have their own posts sitting as a messy draft that I may or may not stick cat pictures in and post at some point:

-My job is going well. That is to say, I am enjoying it today and if I don't enjoy it tomorrow, I will still be glad that I have it. The research itself waxes and wanes, so some days are more motivating than others. Also, my personality is definitely not suited to working alone with samples all day, but we probably knew that already. I have been getting some cool opportunities here, and I am starting my own project on PTSD in a military cohort soon, so that's exciting (and a bit concerning, because miRNA? that stuff is way more complicated than I was thinking...)

-I've been fatigued since October for no good reason, but it has definitely gotten better between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's possible that I have had a holiday season reprieve and this fatigue will resume, but I am hoping what I'm feeling now is because I was sick and I'm fighting off all the bugs I was exposed to on Christmas. For the record, I don't recommend donating blood on a whim the day before Christmas Eve if your blood pressure and iron are lower than usual, and then skipping dinner afterwards and not drinking enough (in my defense, I would have eaten if I hadn't gotten stuck in traffic and needed to go straight from work to rehearsal). We can add this to the list of dumb things Christiana has done that you should not do. In retrospect, I think you should probably not give blood right before Christmas anyway because of aforementioned exposure to sick people that will likely be combined with lack of sleep on Christmas eve. Personally, I will probably just not give blood in the winter... but that's because I an unreasonable about the cold.

-Christmas was lovely. I've been sick more or less since the 23rd, but Christmas was still a lovely day. My Pap was way happier than I anticipated based on Thanksgiving, Mom and I didn't set our house on fire (the shed, unfortunately, didn't fare so well but technically Mom and I didn't set that on fire either), and I got to see most of my family (although some of my cousins I wish I had more time with). Since for a while I didn't really enjoy any holidays, it's nice that seeing family can be pleasant, and it was this year :)

-Church is decent. Actually, church is good, but I'm feeling like I'm in a dry season spiritually, so I'm not enjoying church like I usually do. Or reading my bible. Or praying. Or singing. Christmas was still good, because you don't have to feel totally awesome about a true thing for that thing to still be totally awesome. Basically, I'm holding onto intellectual faith, force-feeding myself the word (excellent advice from a wise friend), and trusting that the emotions will be rekindled in my heart. It's reminded me recently of how God's love radiates like light and heat... I want that warmth but I don't create it myself. It comes from Him, just like spiritual life and growth come from Him. More on that another time...

-The cats are happy. They very much enjoyed the wadded balls of wrapping paper on Christmas morning, and at least one of them stole bows off of packages before they were unwrapped. They love the Christmas tree, but they don't actually hurt it, they just sit under it contentedly and Lady M occasionally tries to eat a jingle bell (never successfully). This week I used a hammer to put together some furniture (my wonderful mother got me a book shelf! And after putting all of the stray books on it, there is still room for more books!) and it took over an hour of both cats rolling all over and snuggling with the hammer for me to realize that I keep it in the same drawer as the cat nip. An accidental Christmas present for the kitties.

Every bow is Lady Margaret's bow

Dear Moms Of Kids With Special Needs

Since I am a single, twenty-something college grad with a job, it is possible at first glance for people at church to assume that my life is simple and neat (my life is not neat, but thanks to a decent understanding of fashion and social rules, I can fake it for you on a given Sunday). And because it might look like I come to church just to get lost in the beautiful worship sets, learn something from the intellectually stimulating message, and generally enjoy the aesthetics of a worship service, I feel the need to be especially clear...

Dear Moms of children with special needs;

I LOVE when your kids are in church.

Thank you so much for bringing your family to church. I know it can't be easy. Considering my Sunday morning routine (get myself up, get myself ready, go to church), it's hard for me to know the extent of the effort you go through before your family even makes it through the door. What I do know is that statistically, most parents with children who have special needs choose not to go to church (or go rarely), either from the stress of coordinating logistics, lack of services for their child, feelings of exclusion, or the stress of potential disruptions resulting from their kid's special needs.

Part of my heart cracks a little when I think of all the ways that I am not doing enough to make you feel like you are part of our community, help bear your family's burden, and get to know the treasures that are your kids. God is starting to move my heart in this direction because those are the things that are in his heart, and I am sorry that there are so many ways in which my hands don't yet reflect God's heart. (Isn't that our constant fight??)

But there is one area where I hope I can bring some comfort today: please don't worry about your child causing disruptions during church. Please don't worry that the people around you find your child distracting. Frankly, I love it when church is a little noisy. That's one of the things that I find particularly attractive about our church: the whole church body is there, and they are all participating! It doesn't bother me one bit if your child talks loudly when others are quiet, moves when others are still, or sometimes has difficulty controlling their emotions. Your child's participation in our worship service might be unique, but it is absolutely a benefit, not a detriment.

It's possible that, at some point, you have been discouraged by people who have intimated that your child is 'too old for that kind of behavior' or given you strange looks when you are out in public. I am so sorry if this has happened to you. Satan speaks lies, and he wants you to believe that you and your child are not welcome in church. The truth is that your child is INDISPENSABLE to the body of Christ.

"The body is a unit, though it is made up of many parts, and though all its parts are many, they form one body. So it is with Christ... But in fact God has arranged the parts of the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be... On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor." (1 Corinth 12:12-23)

When your child is doing whatever it is that might embarrass you during the church service, I am most often thinking, "I'm so glad they are here. This is what it looks like to be the body of Christ." Although I don't contemplate the underlying logic in the moment, my reaction is largely for two reasons:

1)Your child belongs in our church-disruptions, challenges and all. Your child has intrinsic value because they have been created in the image and likeness of God (just like every other person in our church). Their adoption into the family of God rests on the righteousness of Christ and his work on the cross (just like every other person in our church). Christ was willing to go to great lengths to make your child a co-heir with himself, and since Christ has made your child part of the family, they belong. End of story.

2) Our church needs your child. God created your child uniquely, and the church would be incomplete without them. They are absolutely necessary. They are crucial. Being part of the body means that in addition to having intrinsic value, your child has a purpose as a part of our church. God is using your child to teach our church. God is using your child to encourage our church. God is using your child to display His glory to our church. They have things to contribute as a member of our church family, and we need them.

Your child's presence at church is no accident. It is also no small feat. Although I don't know if the blood, sweat, and tears required on your part are literal or figurative, I do know that when your child is at church, it is by your effort. I know that your family's presence at church is statistically rare, and eternally significant. Thank you for persevering in the face of difficulty, for coming to worship the Lord with us, and for letting your child be a part of our church. I am so glad they are here.

From my heart,

Christiana

P.S. Moms of little ones, I wanted to include you here, but I had too many things to say. Just know that I love it when you bring your children to church for both similar and different reasons, and I will have to express my gratitude some other time.

Turning Off Autopilot

The other day, I was driving on a highway that I take all the time. And I don’t want you to judge me for my inattentiveness, but I’ll tell you straight up: it was 70-E. Now, there is a part of 70 east- and west-bound that kind of intersects part of Frederick near Rt 85 (you should be shocked at my unusual use of proper road names), and the speed limit decreases from 65 mph to 55 mph. Actually, let me accurate: decreased. Used to decrease. I absolutely promise you that when I first got my license, the speed limit decreased to 55 as you entered Frederick and then increased again on the other side. But the other day, I was driving on that stretch of road, like I do ALL THE TIME, and I saw an odd sign that said “Speed Limit: 65”. And I was confused. I know the speed limit is 55 right here, because I know where it changes back to 65. But there the sign stood.

And then I was more confused. I know where the speed limit changes to 55 on 70-W as I drive into Frederick. I navigate by landmark, so seriously, I remember where the speed limit changes. It's by the school buses on the hill before you get to the first exit for Frederick. Only, the next time I was driving that way, I looked for the sign, and it wasn’t there. I did find one a little later that said “Speed Limit: 65.” What madness is happening here?? Do I live in an alternate reality??

I came up with a reasonable hypothesis, which is this: they were doing construction on that part of 70 for ages (I mean, literally years) while they were building the Rt 85 overpass that connects downtown to the other part of town. And when they were done, 70 was absolutely beautiful and no longer narrowed to two lanes through that stretch, but remained three lanes across with this weave lane that I absolutely love (I know it’s weird to feel that strongly about a weave lane, but if you had to drive past there before, you would love it too). So there isn't really a reason to slow down anymore, and my guess is that when they finished construction, they changed the speed limit.

But they finished construction years ago. Not recently. Definitely before I graduated last year. How long have I been decreasing my speed unnecessarily? Its straight up embarrassing. Not the least of which because I do NOT like it when people drive below the speed limit on the highway. I am an unobservant, unknowing speed hypocrite.

Sometimes, it's hard to see what's right in front of you

But isn’t this how life goes? You settle in to the routine, stop paying attention, and one day you realize that you have been slowing down when you didn’t need to anymore. Continuing to be childish in one particular area of your life when in most other instances, you demonstrate the maturity that you have gained in that respect. Continuing to deal with conflict in the same way you always have with someone, even though you have learned better ways of handling things with other people. Continuing to seek comfort from one bad habit, even though you have stopped going to most of your old comfort dead-ends. I know I can settle into a routine and let ages go by before I reassess whether this is the best way to handle life. Often, it takes a dumb mistake like missing a literal sign to remind myself to turn off the metaphorical autopilot and look at life with fresh eyes again.

P.S. I attribute the lack of cat pictures to the fact that Lady M and Elizabeth will never get in my car willingly. But to make up for it, here is a reminder that other people do dumb things sometimes too, including playing their cats as instruments.

When You Need A Vacation From Your Vacation

I just came home from a lovely trip to the beach, and I am totally worn out. Why are vacations so much work? In my mind, I was going to spend three days at the beach with some relatives that I both love and genuinely like... my plans involved the ocean, my book, my ipod, a ridiculously large hat, and very little else. It was supposed to be so restful! And really, I had a great time. The sun, the water, the company.

But sometimes my younger cousins make choices that I think are harmful, and what do I do about it? And sometimes life hurts my older cousins, and what do I say about it? And sometimes I get the sense that I don't quite belong, don't quite fit into my family the way I want to.

I meant to love people, to care for them emotionally, but did I? I meant to have deep, meaningful conversations with people, but things seemed to stay pretty surface level. I meant to relax in God's word while I had all the time I wanted, but time flew by.

Maybe your vacations don't involve people wondering what's wrong with you (Why you are still single? Don't you like boys?) but instead have difficulty with in-laws, conflicts between siblings, or conspicuous absences. Perhaps

Life so hard. I so tired.

you get overwhelmed by the constant stream of people or are tired of dealing with some of them by the time you head home. Sometimes vacations are just tiring.

When I woke up Sunday morning after sleeping in my own bed again (and not in a room with two 12-year old boys, yessss) I was still feeling weary, but I knew that I had to get up and go to church. Even though I mostly wanted to sleep and not have to interact with a single person (sorry every person I saw in church this week, it wasn't you), I needed to go worship and hear the word.

Rest is something that I so often want to create for myself in my situation, but more and more that kind of rest feels like a letdown. It's a counterfeit to the real rest that can only be found in God. Not that I am putting down naps, because REM sleep is seriously helpful for your brain, but meeting with the church to seek God together gave me more rest for my soul than all the naps, relaxing in the hot tub, and floating in the ocean did. I want to look to my vacation for rest, but God is the one who really sustains me (Psalm 3:5), gives me rest when my body is tired (Psalm 127:2) gives me hope for my heart when I can't fix my family (Job 11:18) and gives me peace for my mind when I fail to love people perfectly (Psalm 4:8). So instead of trying to get something from your vacation that it can't really give you, just enjoy vacation for what it is: a break from work and daily life during which you get to go someplace new and do fun things with other people.

P.S. While the beach is a lovely vacation for me, there are much better vacation spots for cats. Although my kitties haven't been to all these places, I would guess that their favorite is inside my suitcase. On top of the lid, on top of my clean clothes, really any spot is great.

That Time When Graduation Was A Year Ago

Yesterday was graduation day for the class of 2014 at Gettysburg. Even before my newsfeed was awash with orange and blue and sentimental statuses, I was feeling nostalgic. Today marks exactly one year since I graduated, and it feels like it was only yesterday, just a world away. How could a year possibly have passed? How could it have not?

I confess that my overwhelming feeling upon realizing that it had been a year since graduation was a sense of disappointment. Shouldn't I have accomplished more a year out of college? I can't say "I just graduated in May" anymore, so shouldn't I have done more? Shouldn't I have made a bunch of friends with people where I live? Shouldn't I have completed things? Shouldn't I miss Gettysburg less? But here I am, living at home, mostly hanging out with my family when I'm not working. I don't have a high powered, exciting job where I am changing the world and/or making lots of money. I haven't fallen in love and I am not substantially closer to being a clinical psychologist or a mom.

And that thinking is so easy to fall into, because I have been trained so well. Make goals. Execute them. Do at least as well as your peers, preferably better. Do great work. I loved the Gettysburg atmosphere, and I thrived in that performance driven, high octane setting (if you consider the level of stress I could sustain for weeks at a time thriving). But the dark side of that is that I can instinctinvely think critically without acting compassionately. My mind twists the truth and throws in some half-truths and little lies until I look at the last year and feel like I have failed.

That is probably stupid and definitely inaccurate. My plan was to move home, find a research position to get the experience I need to get into grad school, and pay off student loans as quickly as possible. I did, in fact, find a research position that I can commute to from home... thanks, God! And its not high powered or a high salary, but someone is paying me to do research, which is exactly what I was looking for. I am paying off my student loans while admittedly mooching some groceries, wifi, and below market rent from my mother. But since I am rather fond of my mother, this is kind of a win-win situation. And why should I feel lame about having out with my family? I love them, and I won't always get to spend time with them like this. My baby cousins (read: every cousin who is younger than me, even if they are 6'2'') will grow up and move away one day. When I go to grad school, I will not be able to take my Mam-maw shopping on Sunday afternoons, and will she be around to take shopping when I am finished grad school? Speaking of school, if I were to hypothetically be either a clinical psychologist or a mom before I finished grad school, that would be absolutely terrifying (in the first scenario) or mildly terrifying and poor planning (in the second scenario). Seeing patients before getting the education/licensing to practice or having a baby while attaining said licensing are so not high on my list of things to do, and thus if I were substantially closer to these things one year out of college, it might actually not be a great sign.

Melissa and this kitten were both at
Focus this year... don't you wish you
were there, too? I know I do.

And yes, I do miss Gettysburg. I wish that I still had shenanigans every Wednesday at 10, that I still lived with 5 of my best friends, and that anytime I wanted to hang out with someone we could just get a meal together because we ate at all the same places. I wish that I had just gotten home from Focus, and that I was energized and sleep deprived and so excited about being on mission with the church. I wish the friends I have here (because I do have some, my heart just believes lies sometimes) knew me as deeply, encouraged and challenged me as frequently, and pointed me to Christ as well as my friends from Gettysburg. But this is what its like to have good friends. You miss them when you haven't seen them for a day, and you miss them when you haven't seen them for months and months. It takes a long time to build new friendships that are as strong.

I think it is okay to miss college, even though it makes me feel a bit like I am doing something wrong. I don't want college to be the best years of my life. But it would be okay if college accounted for some of the best years of my life. I think that is the tension I am feeling as I compare this first year out of college to the four years that came before. Its true that this past year was hard in different ways than before and that it was lacking some things that my heart tells me it wants again in future years. But it was another year of life, and I enjoy having those :) It was filled with blessings and things to be thankful for, and it was not a waste of time.

So here are a few highlights from my first year as a post-bacc:
-Seven of my friends got married, and every wedding was a delight. I loved each individual wedding ceremony, and getting to share in their joy, and also all those built-in reunions.
-For months I got as much sleep as my body actually needed (talk about seasons of life... this one is definitely fleeting). It was glorious. And now I might get up earlier every morning than I have in my life, but at least I don't do homework till at least midnight every night.
-I got a job offer totally out of the blue months after I had submitted an application and pursued other institutes and researchers with no success. Yep, it was totally not my fault that I got this job.

"I am not afraid.
I was born to do this."
-Jeanne d'Arc

-I found a church that I absolutely love. I get to live in a place with a bible-preaching church that loves to worship God with a gospel-centered community who want to grow and become more like Jesus? Is this real life?
-When my brain isn't consumed with exams, papers, and research reports, there is room for creativity to come out and play. I've been playing the piano again and making artwork and creating things. And none of them are masterpieces (although I am quite proud of the sweater and the quilt), but it feels good to create just because I can.
-God has used this time to soften my heart to the idea of adoption, to help me see the value of intervention at every stage for every person, and to understand how attachment (you know, that field of psychology I would be happy spending my whole life in) relates to God's character and redemptive plan. It was so good (and wise, probably) of him to do this when I am exactly where I am now. If He had done this later in life when I wasn't young, broke, and single, I probably would have freaked out about life and thought that He was telling me to do something I didn't want to do. Instead I see little hints of changing desires and and awareness of how much more growing I have to do. And how much more I need Jesus than I realized.
-I've been growing. Slowly. Sometimes it feels agonizingly slow, and I am not content with the pace. But the lessons I am being taught seem to take a lot of time. Perhaps it is the nature of these lessons, perhaps I'm a slow learner. But God is at work in my life, and I am grateful for it.